Psalms 62

"(Psa 62:1) To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of David. For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.
(Psa 62:2) He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
(Psa 62:3) How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
(Psa 62:4) They only plan to thrust him down from his high position. They take pleasure in falsehood. They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse. Selah
(Psa 62:5) For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
(Psa 62:6) He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
(Psa 62:7) On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
(Psa 62:8) Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah
(Psa 62:9) Those of low estate are but a breath; those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.
(Psa 62:10) Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
(Psa 62:11) Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God,
(Psa 62:12) and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love. For you will render to a man according to his work."

I feel like a newborn when it comes to this whole "devotional" thing. It's been so long. I've been through so much that I just stopped caring. But my God... my Daddy... is a good Daddy. So here's the deal. When I bought my laptop (during my time away from the church, from God, etc.) it was bought at a pawn shop. It's lasted almost a year already with no crashes, no problems, praise Jesus! But when I bought it, (better yet, when it was bought for me as a gift) there were a lot of softwares already uploaded into it. By LUCK (I don't believe in that by the way) one of the programs on this laptop was something called e-sword... That's right, ladies and gentlemen... It's the entire bible... in NINE difference translations, as well as a commentary that helps you even further, in understanding what the words you're reading are trying to say... Could I ask for an even better gift from God??

So all that to say, last night was my first time really ever pulling it up on my laptop since I got it, and I was so excited to use it I could hardly sit still. I prayed this morning, and just asked God to direct my hand on the chapter of Psalms he wanted me to read... "I don't want to hear what I think I need to hear from you, Lord. I want to hear what YOU want to SAY to me..." It landed on Psalms 62. What a good chapter... He's real good at being relevant, wouldn't you say?

Anyhow, here's what stuck out to me about it:

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. " -Psalms 62.5
This held a place with me... As some of you may know, I will be attending the Encounter this weekend at my church, Northwest Community Church. An Encounter is a whole weekend set aside with no distractions to seek the face of the Lord, and he always shows up, he always heals, he always makes himself known. I've been to a couple of them, but that was long ago... before I had a lot of baggage to really get rid of, in all honesty. Then I went away for just about two years. I was literally RUNNING from God, I tried to hide the fact that the things I was doing were wrong. I would talk myself into believing it was alright. I would make excuses. I'm good at those. And what faith I used to have, it is suddenly diminished. And now I'm in a position where- believe it or not- this girl who used to get mad if she had to miss a single Sunday at church, who used to be on the dance team, who used to pray every day, who had miracles performed before her very eyes- is now actually worried that God won't show up for her this weekend. My sensable side is saying -Girl. Shut up. You know he will.- But my other side, the side that fed me so much crap, so many thoughts, so many sinful things without caring about the side-effects is saying -Girl. Shut up. You've done so much crap. Do you really think he cares about you anymore? I'm pretty sure he gives up on people like you...-

As much as I'm refusing to believe my other half, I still fight the question of whether or not he'll show up. But not just show up, but show up in the ways I'm hoping and praying that he will. There are specific things I want to get rid of. (I'm willing to get rid of ALL of it, but that goes without saying). The specifics are constantly at the forefront of my mind. Will I be healed of this? Will I no longer have to deal with that? Will I always be this way? Will I always act out in that way?

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him." For God, my soul waits in silence. I liken it to the silence before a storm. In this case, it's a good storm. A much needed rain shower in a desert. Now get this: My Hope Is From Him.... wait a minute...

My Hope Is FROM Him...

Another translation (from my handi-dandi nine!) is:

My EXPECTATION is from Him...

Call it what you will... it's FROM him... He WANTS me to hope, he WANTS me to expect change... because he wants to give it to me? Well I HOPE for that, as well. But so many times we are in circumstances that we feel that our only "expectation" - our only hope is in God. All our strength fails, all our resources are exhausted, our fellow men cannot or will not aid us- Trust me. I've tried. Many men. Can I get an Amen?

Lord, I've hit rock bottom. No money, no job, no home, and thank GOD for that... it's the only way you could get me to listen to you. I don't know how my bills are going to get paid (which are due today, see? I still keep track as if I had the money to pay for them) I don't know how long it's going to take to get my credit good again having missed these last two months of being able to pay them off (one of my biggest fears from the very beginning, and the reason why I never wanted a credit card to begin with... I DID NOT... I DO NOT... want bad credit...) But it's causing me to trust in you, Lord. You own the entire universe. Why would I think for a second that you couldn't bless me abundantly, above and beyond my necessities? I love you with my entire heart. Please hold me close to you. Never let me go. I want nothing more than to be doing you right. I want to make YOU proud of me... screw the world... you're what matters... Help me to love the things you love, hate the things that you hate... I'm stepping toward you. Please step back. I look forward to what you will do in me this weekend. I'm so over trying to do things my way. I've learned my lesson. It doesn't work. Period. Start cutting down my Pride, Lord, so I may recieve everything you have to offer for me this weekend. For once, I'm excited for the change. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Amen...