My Baptism!

I got baptized yesterday at church. It was awesome. It was really a re-baptism, but in all honesty, I see it as my first. Before, I just didn't get it, but I did it out of faith. That's a lot of my past Christian walk- not getting it but doing it out of faith. I really feel that my time away taught me a lot about life, about the world, about a life without God. And I've realized that I don't want it. Not only do I not want it, but I realized I desperately need a life with Jesus. I used to think about how cheesie all that sounded when I was living in the world. And I tried to figure out why. Plain and simple, I didn't have a revelation of the cross. I didn't fully understand his love. (I STILL don't to an extent. It's so much, so big, so amazing that my puny human head can't wrap around the idea of he IS love. I don't think we're supposed to ever understand it fully, just trust it.) But I'll tell you this:

I've never felt a love like this before. No parent, no sibling, no friend, no man can compare to the love that I feel from Jesus. None. Not even close. And I KNOW my mom loves me, I KNOW my sisters and my brother and my nieces and nephews love me, I KNOW my friends love me, I KNOW there's a man I'll marry one day (SOON in the name of Jesus! >.< haha) who will love me... but nothing compares.

He's really showing himself to me as my father, and at the same time as my lover, one that is enamoured with me. He desires MY heart. He is a fiercely jealous lover. And I LOVE that about him!

Anyhow, all that to say (and it was a complete tangent away from my baptism) I'm finally feeling at home again, I'm feeling at peace with myself, I'm feeling the love of a father I never had, I'm feeling the overpowering love of a lover I've never had, and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

Praise Jesus for the victories in my life! Praise Jesus for the love he's showing me! Praise Jesus for everything because he deserves everything! haha.

"Anatomy of a Heart" -Desiree R. Goguen

I drew this when I was living with a boyfriend and it came from my heart. There was no reason to draw it other than I needed to get an emotion out. It was pain. It was loneliness. It was heartache. I mean, it couldn't have been heartache from any physical person, like I said, I was living with my boyfriend and we weren't having any issues. But my heart knew it was lonely. It knew what I was doing was wrong. It knew this guy wasn't the guy I was supposed to be with. It knew what it was missing. It knew who's love it was missing and the drawing was exactly how I was feeling. I was beside myself. I was literally beside myself- my heart was myself, my self, my true, my real self... and I was beside it, hanging by strings and tied upside down, my eyes covered in shame. It's crazy because none of this came to me until after I had drawn it, even after that. Not until now... not until my heart was back where it belonged. Inside of me.

I guess it's time to draw a new one, hm? :)