2 Timothy 1

"2Ti 1:6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands,
2Ti 1:7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2Ti 1:8 Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God,
2Ti 1:9 who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began,
2Ti 1:10 and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel..."

Good morning!

Yes, it's 7.20a right now. -Grumble Grumble Grumble- I'm supposed to be helping Tracey clean a couple of houses today, and one of her goals this year was to always get a good start by 9a every day which means... surprise surprise... I have to get an even earlier start. Hey! That wasn't MY goal this year! >.< Nah it really don't matter that much.

But while I'm here, wiping the sleep from my eyes, sniffling up the snot in my nose that settled over night, I can't stop thinking about last night, when I helped my nephew Mekaih with his homework. It was (dun dun DUN!) Long division. Ew. Math. Man, I hated math in school. I was so bad at it. I hated it because I feared it. I feared it because I didn't understand it. But I helped Mekaih, through tears and all, through his homework, then tutored him on it for an hour after he was done with his homework. What started out at tears and frustrated attitudes turned into "Oh this is getting FUN NOW!"... Once he understood what he was supposed to be doing, he didn't fear it anymore, he was excited about it...

I asked God to guide my hand again when praying about what to read. I made myself a bit more specific and wanted something from the new testament and I ended up in 2nd Timothy. Once again- Amen to that... Once again... what I need to hear.

There's a couple of things that stuck out to me on this chapter of 2nd Timothy that I read.

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. " -2 Timothy 1.4

Fear. Power. Love. Self-control.

What do I fear?

A lot of this has to go back to my financial situation. I mentioned in my last post that one of my biggest fears was taking out a credit card because I didn't want to end up with bad credit and be in debt. Well that biggest fear has come true (as far as I know)... Now I have the opportunity to be living in that fear.

I fear going on this Encounter. What if God doesn't show up? What if he doesn't in the ways that I need him to?

And if he does, I fear what will happen AFTER the Encounter... That's right... the testimonies. I've got a large one, and I'm going to tell it no matter what... It's just a matter of whether or not people will accept me back into their hearts and lives after what I've done. (I'm careful to not completely mention what I had done here in the blog just yet. You'll have to keep checking back after the Encounter to get the full story.) And regardless if they'll accept me back or not, it doesn't matter in the end, I'm doing my part which will be asking them for forgiveness... the rest is out of my hands.

I fear never finding a job. Sure, I can not give into this whole "Low Economy" thinking, but if the people I need jobs from are thinking it, it doesn't really mean anything if I am or not. They're still not going to hire me out of "Low Economy"... And not just any job... I want a job I'm going to enjoy. One I will have fun at. One that encourages my creativity on a regular basis and keeps me on my toes.

I fear never having enough money to get my own place to live. I don't want to remain on my sister's couch the rest of my life. (As much as I appreciate having a place to sleep, it'll only be different once it's my place to sleep, you know?) I want nothing more than to have my own little place that I can afford, furnished with my own little designs and I'd get a puppy to live there with me. Yes. A puppy. It's on my Goals for 2009 poster.

I fear that I will be stuck with Hollywood forever until I have to sell her for parts. (JUST to make it clear... Hollywood is my 1996 VW Cabrio... She's got a lot of issues, but she runs! But there's issues... Like today? Once I leave here, I'm going to have to bundle up in about five layers just to drive to Tracey's because my AC nor my heater works.... yay.... -.-) I don't want that, I don't I don't I don't. I've never in my life had a new car. A new car...

I fear that it will take me forever to learn the life lessons I need to learn before I can be happily and successfully married and living a life with my future husband. Will I ever be good enough? Is it possible to ever be really ready? Just like my dad (who I barely know), I consider myself a simple kinda gal... (only him, a simple kinda man, like the song... not a simple kinda gal. He's a guy) Regardless.... A simple kinda gal... Give me my man, my home, my family, and I'm set.

I fear I'll never be healed of certain things. Mindsets. Habits. Physical ailments. Etc.

But I digress back to 2 Timothy 1.7:

"...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. "

As long as I'm practicing the gifts of the spirit that God has given me... Power (to overcome) Love (always) Self-control (over the things that I want to do vs God's way of doing them)... these things will overcome all those fears that I have...

He's basically saying "Dude. Des. Cut it out with the whole fearing thing. All right? I'm God. I created you. You're stronger than that. I gave you Power. You're a lover. Now practice self-control."

But much like my nephew, Mekaih... Until I understand what I'm supposed to be doing... there's going to be fear that follows. Fear of the unknown. Whether or not I'm doing something the right way. I want to see my attitude change from "This sucks!" to "Oh, now this is getting FUN!" Help me to understand deeper and deeper still, Lord, of what you are asking of me...

Lord, I could sit here for a whole other hour, just writing writing writing, but I actually had some form of plans this morning! (Praise YOU for that! Work equals money, money equals paying bills!) Father, I ask that you sever that spirit of fear that likes to crawl back into me. I ask for your abundant blessings of Power, Love, and DEFINITELY Self-control. Holy Spirit, guide me, keep me close to you. May I act out of Love, and not out of Fear. I ask that you make yourself known to me on this Encounter. I pray that you bring it... (as my granny says at breakfast "come and get it!" >.<) I love you with my whole heart, Jesus. Thank you for making a sacrifice for me. Dying so I could live. You're a good God. Please be with me today. I ask for your blessings today. Bless Tracey, my leader, in her business, spiritually, everything. Bless my family, Sarah, Victor, Mekaih, Sofia, Luke, Katarina, Freedom, Gabe, Vivia, Rio, My ma... Help us to come together as a family more and more and that the walls are starting to tear down around our hearts toward eachother. Thank you for the cross, Jesus. Hang out with me today, Holy Spirit. I love you...

amen.