My Testimony (part one)

Half of the church knew me from the past. The other half that didn't spoke of Northwest's character. I started going to my church when I was 12-13 years old. So I can pretty much say I was raised in the ways of God. I knew the lingo, I knew what I was supposed to do, but my heart wasn't to do those things. I tried to make it my heart, but that was the problem from the very beginning. I was trying- in my own power. I was trying to please everyone else, I neglected the most important part- needing to please God.

A big issue that comes with the territory when you're too busy trying to please people instead of God is when you screw up, you don't want anyone to know. You want to always appear on the outside as if everything is hunky-dorey. And I walked into the worst of situations because of this.

People don't always realize what growing up without a father does to a child. Although that is the case with me, I'm not here to give excuses for what I'd done. What I always thought was the worst of the worst of sins- when I used the cross as a "scale of good and bad" instead of for redemption- was, "well at least I'm not having an affair with a married man." Well guess what...

I did.

And to make matters worse, it was in the church. My church. It lasted nine months in secret. This emotional affair ate away at my very being. Of course I couldn't tell anyone- what would they think? Of course I couldn't just end it and repent before it had gone too far. I didn't fully understand the power of the cross and all I saw was, "you're wrong, you're bad, no one will understand, everyone will judge you- you have to still appear as if nothing is wrong. Everything is hunky-dorey. Remember?"

That only made matters worse. I began to feel like I was going clinically insane, having to constantly be covering my tracks. I had to give good reasons for why I wasn't home and figure out "where I was". Make sure you told this person over here the same story you told that person over there in the off chance that they'll talk to each other and hear different stories. The lies were physically eating away at my insides until sometimes I'd feel sick.

But it had gone too far for me to turn around now. I was in the middle of a mess. I liken it to when a cat will vomit, then eat it again. Disgusting, filthy, and absolutely revolting. But he was telling this fatherless girl everything any girl would want to hear. Too good to be true... It was.

When everything blew up- we were found out- my life as I knew it- was over. I was asked to leave the church with good reason. There was no way for me (the other woman) and her (his wife) to receive healing in the same place, so long as she still decided to attend my church. But my already broken heart took this as rejection. Everyone who I knew to be my real friends were now being told they couldn't talk to me by their leaders (and once again, with good reason) but my already broken heart didn't see it that way. I took it as more rejection. My family- who all attended my church as well, now knew of this "worst of the worst" sin I'd committed, and I felt as if I'd put my family to shame- even worse, I felt as if they felt I'd put them to shame.

After leaving my church, things only got worse for me. Because I'd committed this "awful sin", I felt as if I was ruined. I had nothing left to give anyone- I was worthless- so what did it matter? This led to countless run-ins with random guys. Drunken nights. Pointless relationships. Depression. My list of guys I'd been with was rather large- and the worst part was it was all done within a two year period. I was literally wasting away- but what did it matter? I was worthless. I was ruined. My time to shine had come and gone.

When I'd first gotten the call that this man's wife had decided to move out of state, and that I was now welcomed back to my church for family restoration, my immediate thought wasn't, "Screw them! They left me alone to rot." No. It was, "There's no way I could go back there. Absolutely NO WAY... Everyone has been talking about me- everyone knows what I did. Everyone hates me."

More time passed. But there's nothing like a death in the family to bring them close together. It was exactly five days after I'd broken up with one of my boyfriends, whom I was sure would last, but didn't and I was still living with him in Tampa because I had no where else to go- when I got the call that one of my favorite aunts ever, my Aunt Becky, had died in a freak accident. That very day I packed up all my stuff and made the two hour drive back to Orlando to move back in with my mom.

But that wasn't enough- just yet- to have me come running back to God. Close- but not yet. It wasn't until after I'd still not found a steady job in Orlando- and our landlord sold the property my mother and I were living at, thus having to move; me having no money meant I had no where to go. That's right Ladies and Gentlemen. I was now homeless, moneyless, jobless, boyfriendless, Aunt Beckyless, AND Godless.

This was when it started to finally click in my head. I wasn't only NOT in the perfect will of God, but I was RUNNING from it. And it's not like God was smiting me. It was more like he was saying, "All right, Desiree. You want to do things your way? I'm going to have to remove my hand of protection from you. I can't reside with sin. I'm sorry."

I caught a very descriptive-disease filled- glimpse into a life without God and finally realized... Not only do I not want that for my life, but my spirit is hungry to be under God's protection, love, and forgiveness.

And so began my weekend on my Encounter.

God is so so good. He's such a loving, powerful father. A daddy. My daddy. He showed me this weekend that he not only accepts me back with open arms, but he wept tears of joy as he welcomed me back and said, "I'm so glad you're back, daughter. I've missed you so much." He cried. I cried.

But it was a process. The weekend began with me thinking to myself, "Wow! That's funny. The enemy didn't try ONE tactic in trying to keep me from coming this weekend." But as the night began, I felt my pride creep up. It was stopping me from receiving. Enjoying. Opening up. And then I realized it. The enemy was saying, "I don't care that you're going (because the truth of THAT is NOTHING was going to stop me from attending the Encounter so he didn't have a choice) I could care less that you're here, but I'm not going to let you receive anything. Watch me work." I went to a leader immediately and had her pray with me/ for me that I would be open to receiving what God had for me this weekend. And he did. He totally, completely, 100% did.

The first evening, all the leaders had prayed over the chairs before we even arrived and whatever chair we chose to sit in was the one that lined up with the word that God had given for that chair. I sat in the first chair, third row. One of the leaders approached me and gave me my word. That word was:

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -Jeremiah 1.5
"God set aside this time for you! It's NO mistake that you are here this weekend on this Encounter! He has big plans for you!"

I found this interesting. Why? Because I remember receiving this same word, a long time ago... that I was to be a prophet to the nations... I'm beginning to see the big picture, the large plan God has for my life and if it involves nations? I'm in. I'm sold. Where do I sign? And even better, it's going to involve setting other women free in the name of Jesus!

God did so so much for me on this Encounter. So much I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to have to add more and more here and there, every day let you in on something else the Lord has given BACK to me that the enemy had stolen.

But as for now, I'm watching Kung Fu Panda with my niece, Vivia, whom I am proud now, to be her aunt. I was always proud to be her aunt, but now... I'm an aunt I'm proud for her to look up to. I'm giving her something to look up to. Praise Jesus. I'm in love with you.

Amen.