Psa 139:2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
Psa 139:3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Psa 139:4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
Psa 139:5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Psa 139:6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Psa 139:7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
Psa 139:8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
Psa 139:9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Psa 139:10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
Psa 139:11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,"
Psa 139:12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
Psa 139:13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Psa 139:15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Psa 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Psa 139:17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Psa 139:18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
Psa 139:19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me!
Psa 139:20 They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain!
Psa 139:21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
Psa 139:22 I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
Psa 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
Psa 139:24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! "
Oh gosh. So good. SO GOOD...
This is a portrait drawn by an artist named Sylvie Reuter. This particular piece is called "Incomplete" and I've felt this way my whole life. I can just imagine the girl in the portrait saying, "If only I had hands..." or "I don't get it. Something is missing..." I'm sure the whole not-having-hands thing has effected her her whole life as well.
"Annalee! Wanna go get our nails done, today! Oh wait-"
"Annalee! Can you hold this for me- Oh... nevermind."
"Annalee! Look at my hands! THIS is what your arms should look like!"
Self-Image is such a funny thing. For some, anyway. Some people grow up in a family with a father, where they hear all the time "You're beautiful! You look so lovely today! I'm so proud of you!" But then there's those of us that didn't. Horray. Congratulations! You get to spend the rest of your life worrying whether or not we're good enough! I used to hate my nose. I always thought it was too big for my face. And before that? My ears. Why did I have to have such big ears? And for a while? My freckles. (Seriously!? Sadly, yes...) Freckles meant my skin wasn't perfect. I compared myself to my sister, Freedom for the longest time. (YES her name is Freedom... And thus began my comparison) Her name was cooler. She was gorgeous. She was strong. She was smart. She got to do all these awesome things in her life. I used to think for the longest time that since she was the first born, she got the best, and since I was the last born, I got the rest. I tried to fight these thoughts in my own strength for the longest time. I even wrote a song when I was in the ninth grade:
"What is perfect anyway?
If you looked it up, what does it say?
Is your picture beside the word?
I didn't think so, but I'm sure you'd want it to..."
But those small thoughts always came crawling back to me. "Your nose is too big.You're too short! No one will love someone as average as you! Those are some ugly hands... but atleast you have cute toes. You're not that pretty. Well all right... You're sort of pretty, but to say beautiful is a stretch..."
It's been more of an issue than most people care to admit. Why? Well my opinion is, they've grown so accustomed to hearing these things that they don't realize it's even a problem. They've accepted it as a truth- as a part of their being. I know I did. I know I still do, but I'm fighting it. Here's what I'm learning...
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." -Psalms 139.13-14
Just STOP comparing myself to my sister! Stop comparing myself to who I see on television, in magazines. There is no such thing as perfect. Only Jesus was perfect. THAT'S who I'll strive to be like. (Not physically of course, not only do we not know what he looked like, but he was also a man and I am incapable of growing a beard. My apologies.)
It says right there, in God's word... That I was knitted together in my mother's womb. God was quick at work once I was conceived. My mother didn't know I was there before God did. It says right there, in God's word... I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I can just imagine, when I read this, that God's sitting up there at an operation table with all these precision tools, his tongue bitten between his teeth as he moves in slowly to place a hair on my head. THAT'S the image I get of God when I hear that I am Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.
When I give into those thoughts of doubt, of low self-esteem, I'm denying the power of God. It's as if I'm spitting in his face. "You're not good enough for me, Lord. You call THIS beautiful??" Yes. He does. Which is why I should see it the way he does, too. If he created the entire universe and everything in it, don't you think HE, above anyone else, would know the true definition of what beauty is? He created beauty. Do you get it yet?? It's funny, I used to have this theory that I could see beauty in ANYONE. Bring me what you thought was "the ugliest person" and I'd point out what was beautiful about them. EVERYONE had beauty to them... But not me. When it came to me, I'd pass the torch, change the subject, anything to take the attention off of me. What a load of crap.
My heart, Lord, is to pinpoint where these thoughts come from. Help me on this Encounter this weekend to be rid of these thoughts once and for all. I KNOW I'M BEAUTIFUL... because YOU created me. Let me live THERE... I don't want to live in the thoughts I've been listening to my whole life. I want to live in YOUR presence. In YOUR truth. In YOUR thoughts... Jesus, your cross was enough... it IS enough. I accept what you've done for me, as well as the responsibility that comes with it. Make me a new creation in YOU... I want the old to be completely gone. The new is here and ready to be molded like clay into what YOU think is beautiful and worthy. Your way, Lord. Not mine. Holy Spirit, hang out with me today as I get prepared and packed up for the Encounter tomorrow. I love you. Thank you for your revelations. I love you.
Amen.
Wow, Desi, I had no idea. I pray that God will blow you away when He reveals what He thinks of you this weekend. You are complete in Him. You are LOVELY....a work of art. A painting whose Painter is constantly adding more strokes of color and beauty to display for all. See you on the Encounter!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat is so true. Your mother did not know she was pregnant before God did. As a matter of fact, she was walking and praying everyday saying, "Lord, should I have another baby? Lord how can I deal with another child? Lord, how can I live without another child? Lord how can I even question such a blessing? But Lord, people all have an opinion about having too many kids. But Lord, I only care about those sweet babies and what you think." On and on and on ...
ReplyDeleteWhile your mother was walking this mile daily and praying about this in one of the most beautiful New England falls ever, the things that had been working for six years just didn't work any more. Without changing anything, there you were. She wasn't even sure she was pregnant because of that. So, while your mom was praying about it, there you were, an answer in her hand, straight from God.
There was never any doubt as to your being here, or as to your beauty or as to your being loved. You brought the entire family, cousin included, together as they were all extremely in love with you. And yes, you were the prettiest little baby ever and such a good, sweet spirit.
God knew when he gave you, that your family would be ripped apart in a most horrific way. He knew what changes this would cause. He knew how your mother would shrink and suffer and fail. He knew what could happen, and he sent you anyway because he is infinitely wise. He is a God of love. He gives good gifts. He blesses. He knew you would be raised without a father and he knew you would be the touchstone that kept your mother from flying off into insanity. He knew you could get her out of the closet to get a drink of water for you. He knew you were the balm to nurse them all through. He loved them through you. He still does.
It is not always easy having a special purpose. It is not always possible to know what that purpose is. You, however, have already served a world full of purposes for others. Through that, God has a world of purposes for yourself and Him as well. You are and always have been amazing.