Late Night Thoughts

All right. So it's not that late... It's 8p... But I've got a lot on my mind.

For the longest time, I had gotten so used to doing things my own way. Maybe it was a poverty mentality, thinking that if I couldn't have it right here and now I'd never get it. Maybe I thought that I wasn't good enough for anything else, so if something (or someone) came along showing the slightest bit of interest, I'd talk myself into thinking that this thing (or person) was exactly what I needed. Exactly what I had been looking for. All right, let's face it. I'm talking about guys... mainly... but it fits in many different aspects all through out my life.

Sure, I have the right to blame it all on my absent father. He wasn't around to tell me I was beautiful and that he was proud of me, so I grew up looking for that approval from any man. That manifested itself in many ways. There was a time during high school, maybe a little before, that all my friends were guys. I hated females. I thought them to be coniving bitches and all I knew was that THAT was not me, so why would I want to surround myself with that? So when I reached the age of actually wanting a boyfriend, I was pissed. Why? All my friends were guys, so to them, I was just "one of the guys"... definitely not girlfriend material. That's when I decided to think of ways to be noticed. A pitiful attempt, in my own opinion. Who really knows what they're doing at that age anyway? I started to dress different, laugh at things I always thought were offensive, wear makeup, want to go out at night, hang out with my "friends" more...

It was all innocence at it's best. I didn't end up with my first boyfriend until I was a senior in high school. I was 17. Gordy Gramp. I know. Laugh it up. We lasted all of (I think) three weeks until I found out he was still emailing his ex girlfriend from when he used to live in Georgia. Alas- my first heartbreak. As the story goes- the first is always the worst. I felt so betrayed. Why wasn't I good enough for him that he felt the need to still send these lovey dovey "I miss you so much, if you were here we'd still be together" emails to someone else? My journey into adulthood had just climbed up a new step on the ladder leading to distruction and I felt a little less important in life.

As the story continues, the rest is history. It's as if one relationship built ontop of the other. The overlying theme? None of these were God-centered... In all honesty, I've only been in 4 real relationships. But the numbers don't quite match up if we compare relationships to how many guys I've been with. I actually had to sit down and take inventory in preparation for the encounter this weekend. It was sobering to have to look at how many there were... it was slightly shameful... but above all it was funny. Not in a "oh that's funny" way, but in a "this is getting ridiculous" sort of way. Bottom line... there's a lot of guys I've been with since that first fateful 3 week relationship my senior year.

How interesting is it that not a ONE of them came through? Not a one of them withstood the test of time. Of character. Why? Here's the answer. And I fought this for the longest time...

It wasn't God's plan for me.

I had a hard time with that for the longest time. I used to think (while I was away and feeding myself with whatever thoughts felt like popping into my head) "That's not fair! Why did God create us to be freewilled individuals and then tell us we had to do things according to HIS plan?! And if I DON'T... it will NEVER WORK OUT FOR ME!" (I was pretty pissed about it, if you can't tell >.<) But I thank God for his revelations he blesses me with.

I'm realizing now, more and more... he doesn't ask us to live according to HIS will, HIS plan, because he's some power-hungry being that demands the attention even if it means we are the ones that must suffer. Quite the opposite. He's an all-knowing being that asks for the attention because ultimately our sufferings come from NOT doing his will. Why? Because his will is perfect. Absolutely. And the world is held to the law of gravity. Everything that goes up must come down. Everything will perish. Diminish. His will is for us to be blessed abundantly, healthy (physically, mentally, spiritual), and living life to the fullest. Let's just say I ended up with one (of the many, PAH!) guys I'd been with thus far. Who knows where I would be.

Let's dwell on that for a moment... There's two options.

1) I'd be living in a hole somewhere, probably gotten into drugs, maybe a few kids by now by accident, he'd probably left me by now because we'd both be emotionally unstable to handle the whole situation, and not knowing the first thing on how to survive. Or...

2) I'd be living a life of luxury, traveling the world, having the money, living the perfect life, but it being completely shallow. Sure the outer would look great, but the inner? What a mess. It's like my old bedroom when I was back in high school. I'd let it get so dirty, I wouldn't even know where to begin to start cleaning it. I hate that feeling.

Either way, I wouldn't be living my life how it was meant to be lived... To the fullest. God-centered. BUT WHY GOD CENTERED?! Because everything else is destined to fail. It's the way of the world. This is a simple, yet huge revelation for me. I've ALWAYS wanted things my way. The here-and-now was more important to me than the big picture. And for a long time, I was living my life with a Hopeless filter to where I got to the point of just not caring anymore what happened to me. That was a scary place to be. I picked up a lot of baggage from that line of thinking.

Anyhow, ALL that to say... I'm finally learning my lesson. I'm striving to do things the right way... Yes, ladies and gentlemen... there is a right way of living. I've noticed quickly that this right way is a hell of a lot harder than the my way... but is it going to be worth it? You'd better believe it. It's harder because it's going against my here-and-now mentality. It requires dicipline. I'm excited to see that my life will be a living testimony of it. God's promises are concrete.

"Psa 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psa 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.
Psa 37:6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. "

Amen to that. If I don't have enough faith to believe it myself, I can lean on God's word. He says it so it must be true. I'm in a current situation where I'm trying to do things right. It is... for lack of a better word... crappy... and hard... but I HAVE to trust that it will all work out in the end. As long as I remain faithful to God, Psalms 37.4.

Psalms 37.4
Psalms 37.4
Psalms 37.4
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhow, I guess that's all I've got to say for tonight. Until tomorrow morning...

Gnight!