Psalms 86- Clarity

"1-7 Bend an ear, God; answer me. I'm one miserable wretch! Keep me safe—haven't I lived a good life? Help your servant—I'm depending on you! You're my God; have mercy on me. I count on you from morning to night. Give your servant a happy life; I put myself in your hands! You're well-known as good and forgiving, bighearted to all who ask for help. Pay attention, God, to my prayer; bend down and listen to my cry for help. Every time I'm in trouble I call on you, confident that you'll answer.

8-10 There's no one quite like you among the gods, O Lord, and nothing to compare with your works. All the nations you made are on their way, ready to give honor to you, O Lord, Ready to put your beauty on display, parading your greatness, And the great things you do— God, you're the one, there's no one but you!

11-17 Train me, God, to walk straight; then I'll follow your true path. Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear. From the bottom of my heart I thank you, dear Lord; I've never kept secret what you're up to. You've always been great toward me—what love! You snatched me from the brink of disaster! God, these bullies have reared their heads! A gang of thugs is after me— and they don't care a thing about you. But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit. So look me in the eye and show kindness, give your servant the strength to go on, save your dear, dear child! Make a show of how much you love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed, As you, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet. "


You know, God is so good. He's just been showing me and showing me things, left and right, and I'm so surprised at myself that I've been able to keep up! I think it's pretty amazing. Yesterday, for example, I had slept over at Dayari's house because it was raining and late by the time we were done with our Dinosaur Nerd Party and I woke up super early to make my way to Tracey's because I was to help her clean. I realize that I had left thirty minutes earlier than I really needed to so while Tracey was getting ready, I hopped online and did a real quick quick devotion. I used a passage from the chapter that the "verse of the day" came from on www.BibleGateway.com and just ran with it. As usual, nothing is coincidence when it comes to God. It was very clearly something I'd been dealing with my whole life. "What do I do with my life? I have all these dreams and goals and ambitions and all these things that I want to do but I really need to just FOCUS... but on which one?!" And this would be on repeat over and over in my head.

Well my devotions from yesterday were basically about that. And it was something simple. Just a casual "run down the road God has called you to travel, and mark what you do with humility and discipline." So my hearts cry was basically (and it has been for a good few weeks now, since I've been getting serious about it and wondering and dare I say worrying) "What IS the road you have for me to travel, God? I need to know! Please make it clear as day to me what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my career, with my life. I want to do the right thing, and I want it to be something I'll stick with forever."

Well! Yesterday, one of the houses Tracey and I were cleaning belonged to a woman who just so happened to be home because she's a few months pregnant and I just never realized she's always been home- she worked from home. She warned us ahead of time that she would have to be on the phone with a work call. Well the more we cleaned and she got on the phone, I couldn't help but notice what she was talking about, and the website she had pulled up.

I finally realized she was consulting a freelance photographer! She was talking him through the photos he'd used on his website and continued to tell him which photos she thought would work better for the website, etc etc. I realized I was getting drawn in more and more the more she spoke, and it was a feeling so concrete, I've never felt it before in my life. I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing with my life. It was no longer a question, it was set in stone.

With that being said, God has really been showing me the importance of dreams and dreaming BIG because he wants to go above and beyond those dreams to blow our minds away. And he reminded me of what my ultimate dream job has always been: To be a photo-journalist for National Geographic. Now- That's something I'd looked into, and I couldn't find ANY information anywhere about how that was even possible. This is just... a difficult job to get into, and once you're in, you get paid to travel the world and take photographs that tell a story- aka- What I've always wanted to do my whole life.

So needless to say, I got extremely excited when I had asked Tracey to call this client back a few hours later to ask some questions about what she does and she told me that National Geographic was one of her clients... WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DREAM! My heart started to pump exclamation points. It was a sudden glimpse that my dream maybe wasn't all that far away. Not to say that I would work for National Geographic- I don't want to set limits on God's blessing for me- but quite possibly something even more exciting. I don't know all that yet, but I do know I'm excited about it.

I just love God. I love his heart and that he wants nothing more than to give us the desires of ours. How in the world would I ever have lived without this sort of love for so long? This chapter of Psalms is my heart's cry. It has been for a while, I just didn't know what I was asking for (which dream to follow whole-hearted, how to follow it, etc.) and I love that God is faithful to answer.

Lord,
I thank you that you have set my path straight before me, that you have answered my prayer on what it is I should be doing with my life in the meantime of doing your will. I thank you that it is part of your will, and with that being said and set in stone, it's in line with the desires of my heart. You are a creative, powerful God and nothing I want to do is too big for you. I really, seriously can't thank you enough for your love. I wish there were more words in my English dictionary to describe how much I love you, like the Eskimos have a ton of words for the word "snow" because it's something so important to them. Give me more words to describe you. I ask, Holy Spirit that you remain with me now that I know what I'm supposed to be working towards, I ask for courage to continue down that road, and I ask for the provision to make it possible. Hang out with me today, Lover. I want to be with you today. I'm enamoured with you.

Amen.

"See Yourself as I See You" by Desiree R. Goguen

Ephesians 4.1-7

The NIV:

"1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. "

The Message:

"1-3In light of all this, here's what I want you to do. While I'm locked up here, a prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and walk—better yet, run!—on the road God called you to travel. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences. "

Lord,
I thank you for this morning. I'm sorry our time together in the word has been a bit rushed, but I love that you still speak to us even when we have just a small moment together in the word. Lord, I ask that you make it absolutely clear to me what my purpose and your will is for me so that I may not walk but RUN on the road you've called for me to travel. May I always speak in love and walk in humility and discipline, and steadily. I love you and I thank you for today. May today be filled with peace. I love you I love you I love you!

amen.

Mark 9.1-13 Secrets

" 1 Then he drove it home by saying, "This isn't pie in the sky by and by. Some of you who are standing here are going to see it happen, see the kingdom of God arrive in full force." In a Light-Radiant Cloud
2-4Six days later, three of them did see it. Jesus took Peter, James, and John and led them up a high mountain. His appearance changed from the inside out, right before their eyes. His clothes shimmered, glistening white, whiter than any bleach could make them. Elijah, along with Moses, came into view, in deep conversation with Jesus.
5-6Peter interrupted, "Rabbi, this is a great moment! Let's build three memorials— one for you, one for Moses, one for Elijah." He blurted this out without thinking, stunned as they all were by what they were seeing.
7Just then a light-radiant cloud enveloped them, and from deep in the cloud, a voice: "This is my Son, marked by my love. Listen to him."
8The next minute the disciples were looking around, rubbing their eyes, seeing nothing but Jesus, only Jesus.
9-10 Coming down the mountain, Jesus swore them to secrecy. "Don't tell a soul what you saw. After the Son of Man rises from the dead, you're free to talk." They puzzled over that, wondering what on earth "rising from the dead" meant.
11Meanwhile they were asking, "Why do the religion scholars say that Elijah has to come first?"
12-13Jesus replied, "Elijah does come first and get everything ready for the coming of the Son of Man. They treated this Elijah like dirt, much like they will treat the Son of Man, who will, according to Scripture, suffer terribly and be kicked around contemptibly." "

Secrets are interesting. You tell a friend something out of trust that they won't tell someone else. But somehow it gets out. Suddenly everyone knows. And you're left feeling betrayed, hurt, maybe even embarrassed. Or sometimes you have a secret with someone and no one knows about it, for a very long time... but eventually it gets out in one way or another. Sometimes there are secrets you keep to yourself out of fear of being rejected, abandoned, laughed at.

I learned a lot about secrets in my life. The bad kind. The kind that you don't want anyone to know about. I spent nine months of my life in secret when I was having an emotional affair with a married man. I spent even longer (a year to be exact) in secret when I found out that I had caught Genital Herpes and I was told I would have it for the rest of my life. I had a close friend to me tell me a secret that would potentially hurt someone they loved and I didn't say a word to that person. Did it eat away at me? Of course. It put me in an awkward position being both their friends and having to keep a secret from one and be in on it with the other.

Coming out of that lifestyle (particularly when I was with the married man) I realized quickly that bottom line- I hate secrets. I hated them. Absolutely. 100%. When I heard the word "secret" I would cringe. Why? Because all those feelings and emotions that I'd had when I was IN the middle of a secret would creep back in. There was a point where I felt as if I was literally going insane trying to keep my secret straight between everyone I had to lie to in order to keep it covered up. It was literally eating away at my insides where I would feel physically sick to my stomach. The bad kind of secrets eat away at your soul. And that's exactly what mine was doing to me. I was decaying with the untold.

But God has done an amazing work in me. It was a process, but the bottom line is this: I had to ask God for forgiveness for what I'd done, have a revelation of what it actually meant to be forgiven. In doing that, God took away my shame (which is how I can so openly talk about these things that God has not only forgiven me for but also PHYSICALLY healed me of. Goodbye, Herpes and Praise Jesus!). Why? Because God is Love. What else could I expect from him other than open arms saying, "I forgive you, Daughter. Go and sin no more." And the feeling of love that rushed over me was beyond any sort of comparison.

After that, I still continued to say, (and this was my true feeling in my heart about it) I hate secrets! I hate secrets! Which is good, it was the only way I knew how to describe that I would never allow anything like this to happen in my life again. Ever. By declaring that I hated secrets was sealing the deal on my shame, on my pride. With God's help, I would never keep another secret from anyone- I would begin to lead a transparent life.

Now that's not to say that if someone I love told me a secret that I would go and tell the world. That's a different story. But you'd better believe that if it was something I felt was potentially damaging to them or someone they loved, I would sit down with them and have a nice little talk and try to guide them in doing the right thing.

But I'm talking about self-secrets. Thoughts in your head. (See posted photos) Things that you've always believed about yourself that you felt shame if you ever were to tell someone about it. THOSE kind of secrets are the ones of the heart. God's been showing me that those are the kind that are no more than lies from the enemy. If you don't open up about them, if you don't strive to lead a transparent life, the enemy has you right where he wants you. Bound to shame, bound to guilt, bound to self-loathing. God wants ALL of these. He wants to take ALL of these and heal them, mend them, and use them to His Glory.

I got sidetracked and I apologize. Anyhow, all that to say, something that God has been showing me lately is, "Guess what, Desire of My Heart?... There's some secrets I want you to keep..." When you have a secret of love with the Creator, there is nothing more satisfying than knowing that it is a little moment of heaven between you and the Lord.

In the scripture above, it talks about how Jesus even made his disciples swear to secrecy about the things they had seen that day until the day arrived that they'd be free to talk about it. And I mean what they'd seen was PRETTY amazing. Don't think for a second that Peter, James, John, AND Jesus weren't jumping up and down with excitement, laughing joyously about what they'd seen and experienced! I'm now learning that it's okay to have good secrets with the Lord! I'm on a dating fast right now and God is showing me some pretty amazing things that I haven't shared in my blog. Will I one day? Sure, when I feel led or released to share I will, but right now, there is nothing more satisfying, and in all honesty, relationship building, than having a love secret with the Lord. It builds trust. It builds character. And these are the things God wants me to have!

Lord,

Please forgive me for speaking out a curse that "I hate secrets". I repent for that and I now say "I love Love Secrets!" Thank you for changing my heart. Thank you for molding me into not only the person you've called me to be, but the person I was MEANT to be. What better way to know that you love me or that I love you, than to know that we share a secret from the entire universe. That's pretty powerful. That's trust. Thank you for trusting me. I'm so happy that I can put ALL of my trust in you. If you took me to be with you tomorrow, even today, I would be okay with it because I trust your will. Even the things I'd end up never being able to experience in life- I'm okay with it. Holy Spirit, I ask that you remain with me today, continuously pouring your love on me, your grace, your forgiveness. I never claimed to be suddenly perfect now that I'm back in your arms- on the contrary, I fully admit to still being a sinner, living in a fallen world, but I strive to become more like my Lover, Jesus. What a perfect role-model. I pray for endurance, I pray for provision, I pray for revelation during this time in my life. I love you with my whole heart, not just parts of it.

Amen.

Song of Solomon 2: Day of Love

"1 I'm just a wildflower picked from the plains of Sharon, a lotus blossom from the valley pools.

The Man

2 A lotus blossoming in a swamp of weeds— that's my dear friend among the girls in the village.

The Woman

3-4 As an apricot tree stands out in the forest, my lover stands above the young men in town. All I want is to sit in his shade, to taste and savor his delicious love. He took me home with him for a festive meal, but his eyes feasted on me! 5-6 Oh! Give me something refreshing to eat—and quickly! Apricots, raisins—anything. I'm about to faint with love! His left hand cradles my head, and his right arm encircles my waist! 7 Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you're ready. 8-10 Look! Listen! There's my lover! Do you see him coming? Vaulting the mountains, leaping the hills. My lover is like a gazelle, graceful; like a young stag, virile. Look at him there, on tiptoe at the gate, all ears, all eyes—ready! My lover has arrived and he's speaking to me!

The Man

10-14 Get up, my dear friend, fair and beautiful lover—come to me! Look around you: Winter is over; the winter rains are over, gone! Spring flowers are in blossom all over. The whole world's a choir—and singing! Spring warblers are filling the forest with sweet arpeggios. Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed, and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms. Oh, get up, dear friend, my fair and beautiful lover—come to me! Come, my shy and modest dove— leave your seclusion, come out in the open. Let me see your face, let me hear your voice. For your voice is soothing and your face is ravishing.

The Woman

15 Then you must protect me from the foxes, foxes on the prowl, Foxes who would like nothing better than to get into our flowering garden. 16-17 My lover is mine, and I am his. Nightly he strolls in our garden, Delighting in the flowers until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.

Turn to me, dear lover. Come like a gazelle. Leap like a wild stag on delectable mountains!"

The Lord is really bringing me to a new season in my life. A season that I knew existed, I just never understood. He's now calling me to respond to him as "My Lover" and as "My Husband". That is what is so amazing about God. He is every situation anyone could ever be going through. Lord, Father, Lover. This is my season to call him Lover.

He's taking me to that place of realizing that I is my everything. He is sufficient. He is more than enough. He is all I need. I am not dependant on anyone on this earth. All good things come from the Lord. Excuse me: All good things come from my lover. My husband. And I'm excited to see what good things he's going to show me. He's going to woo me. He's going to chase after me and I'm going to let him catch me. He is mine and I am his.

He brought me to a place last night that was amazing, and I might share it with you sometime in the future, but as of right now, it's my little secret between me and my lover, and it was fantastic. I've never felt more love in my entire life.

I think the first time this whole idea of having him as a lover sort of freaked me out. I didn't understand it so I was awkward with it. I wasn't sure how it was supposed to look, what I was supposed to be doing. But now, My Lover has guided me now that my heart is completely open to receiving what he has for me. I mean completely. And it's so freeing. I've finally reached a place in my life where I can openly and honestly say something I've always wanted isn't so important to me anymore, but once again, that's something I'll have to get into some other time down the road.

Lover,

Thank you for calling me, thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me something I never thought was possible. There's not much else to say other than I pray you continue to reveal yourself to me in this new way. My heart is yours. I thank you that you want it. I thank you that I can trust you with it. Holy Spirit remain with me today as I'm calling this day the Day of Love. Nothing is more powerful than your love and I feel so blessed to have it and know that I have it. I love you, I love you, I love you.

amen.

Photograph by Alison courtesy of DeviantArt.com

Unrealized Fear...

Today I faced a fear I didn't even realize I still had... That's right... Taxidermy.

When I was younger, I have a distinct memory of taking a hike in the desert with an uncle (don't remember which) and a cousin (don't remember which), and we ended up getting lost... in the desert... So we climbed up a plateau and looked over the desert in every which direction until we saw in the distance a large tepee. "We'll go in there and make a phone call for someone to come get us," my uncle said. We agreed like good little girls and followed him, even further... in the hot desert... toward a tepee. (Sounds like some sort of bad dream, doesn't it? >.<) Turns out this tepee was a souvenir shop on one of the many random deserted desert roads. As we walked in, I remember looking up, and hanging from the center wall that you had to walk under in order to get INTO the shop... was a GIANT buffalo head... And I just remember being so scared that this thing was going to come to life and eat me. Strange, I know! I always remembered thinking back on that memory and laughing. I'd think to myself, "That's so silly! I was young, though. What did I know?"





And then I helped Tracey clean this house today:





































And let me tell you... I realized REAL quick that fear is still there. I don't know WHAT happened to me when I was younger, if the fear crept in during that fateful hike, or if there's another memory that I blocked out of a sibling chasing after me with a taxidermy- I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm still pretty terrified of them. When I was taking the first photo posted (with the bear) I was terrified to turn my back to a bear! AND to make matters worse, Tracey, in that moment, dragged the vacuum across the upstairs floor which sounded very eerily like a growl. My heart jumped. I jumped and turned around, thinking it was about to eat me. What is it with thinking they want to eat me!?

I have no Godly word to put on this fear, because I think it's ridiculous. So does anyone have any words of encouragement for me in this hilarious struggle I'm going through? I'd appreciate it.

Ephesians 6.10-18- Day of Peace

"10-12And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.
13-18Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out. "

I don't know anything about this drawing. I just found it. If anyone has any info please leave a comment so I can put credit where it's due. Thanks!

Or in the words of Aslinn during my encounter, "We're not to THUMB WRESTLE the powers and principalities of evil!" hahah. >.<

This is good. This is so good. Because that's the bottom line, whether anyone wants to admit it or not, we are all in a battle. An Epic Movie. Good versus Evil. Only it's more awesome than any movie because it's real. We, who are with Jesus already have the victory because the enemy was already defeated when Jesus died on the cross. All we have to do is stand our ground and God fights our battles for us. Pray hard and long, and God does the warfare for us. That's pretty amazing. It sounds love, to me. Who else do you know that would take a wound for you?

Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. It says to learn to apply them. Truth combats the lies, righteousness combats the condemnation, peace combats the stress, fear, anxiety, salvation combats the enemy. The Word of God also combats the lies. Why? His word is truth. It IS truth, just as God IS love... another one of those things you don't fully understand, you just choose to believe it because we'll never understand it. We're human. He's God.

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for the friendly reminder that we are still, always in a battle, but not against any person. Not against any human, but against the powers and principalities of the enemy in the spiritual world. I thank you that I'm not a severely wounded soldier anymore. (I may still have a few band aids but in your timing I'll be perfectly fit for battle yet again.) I thank you that it doesn't all fall on me, and that you are right there fighting FOR me.

I pray for the boldness and the fire of the holy spirit to come each time I open my mouth to pray. EACH time I open my mouth to pray, Jesus. Lord, help be to get creative in ways to always have this truth in the forefront of my mind.

I speak blessings over my family, over my leader, over her leader, and over HER leader in the name of Jesus. I speak blessings today, in the name of Jesus. May they all be blessed abundantly with your spirit and your love and your provision. I ask for the same for me, Jesus. Hang around today, Holy Spirit. I want you to never leave my side. May I always know that you are there.

Today is the day of Peace. I thank you for that Jesus. May peace cover me from head to toe. I love you with a deep sort of love that I can't explain.

Amen.

New Design!

Hello, anyone reading!

I'm excited. I redesigned my blog and I really like it. There's a REASON there's three hearts up there on my template! Tehehe -giggles like a little girl-. It sure is fun keeping secrets with Jesus!

Anyway, that's all. See yall in the morning!

xoxo.

My Baptism!

I got baptized yesterday at church. It was awesome. It was really a re-baptism, but in all honesty, I see it as my first. Before, I just didn't get it, but I did it out of faith. That's a lot of my past Christian walk- not getting it but doing it out of faith. I really feel that my time away taught me a lot about life, about the world, about a life without God. And I've realized that I don't want it. Not only do I not want it, but I realized I desperately need a life with Jesus. I used to think about how cheesie all that sounded when I was living in the world. And I tried to figure out why. Plain and simple, I didn't have a revelation of the cross. I didn't fully understand his love. (I STILL don't to an extent. It's so much, so big, so amazing that my puny human head can't wrap around the idea of he IS love. I don't think we're supposed to ever understand it fully, just trust it.) But I'll tell you this:

I've never felt a love like this before. No parent, no sibling, no friend, no man can compare to the love that I feel from Jesus. None. Not even close. And I KNOW my mom loves me, I KNOW my sisters and my brother and my nieces and nephews love me, I KNOW my friends love me, I KNOW there's a man I'll marry one day (SOON in the name of Jesus! >.< haha) who will love me... but nothing compares.

He's really showing himself to me as my father, and at the same time as my lover, one that is enamoured with me. He desires MY heart. He is a fiercely jealous lover. And I LOVE that about him!

Anyhow, all that to say (and it was a complete tangent away from my baptism) I'm finally feeling at home again, I'm feeling at peace with myself, I'm feeling the love of a father I never had, I'm feeling the overpowering love of a lover I've never had, and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

Praise Jesus for the victories in my life! Praise Jesus for the love he's showing me! Praise Jesus for everything because he deserves everything! haha.

"Anatomy of a Heart" -Desiree R. Goguen

I drew this when I was living with a boyfriend and it came from my heart. There was no reason to draw it other than I needed to get an emotion out. It was pain. It was loneliness. It was heartache. I mean, it couldn't have been heartache from any physical person, like I said, I was living with my boyfriend and we weren't having any issues. But my heart knew it was lonely. It knew what I was doing was wrong. It knew this guy wasn't the guy I was supposed to be with. It knew what it was missing. It knew who's love it was missing and the drawing was exactly how I was feeling. I was beside myself. I was literally beside myself- my heart was myself, my self, my true, my real self... and I was beside it, hanging by strings and tied upside down, my eyes covered in shame. It's crazy because none of this came to me until after I had drawn it, even after that. Not until now... not until my heart was back where it belonged. Inside of me.

I guess it's time to draw a new one, hm? :)

James 4.1-12

"1-2Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.
2-3You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.
4-6You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."
7-10So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.
11-12Don't bad-mouth each other, friends. It's God's Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk. You're supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it. God is in charge of deciding human destiny. Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others?"

This is another circumstance, yet again, where I prayed before opening the word, and this is what it came to. Clear and right in front of my face without seeking out any sort of word from him, this is what he gave me.

God continues to blow me away.

I really feel I am not supposed to write much this morning about it, and just let his word stand for what it is... truth. Always truth.

Lord,
Thank you that your word is true, your word, I can trust. Thank you that it's not just mine, but it's for all who willfully come to know you. Thank you that you rebuke with a kind heart of love. Forgive me for my past transgressions against you. I have hit rock bottom, and now I'm getting serious, really serious. Holy Spirit, remain with me today. I ask for endurance and strength and wisdom to get through all the difficult tasks I have in front of me. Each and every one of them. Thank you for your Cross. Without it, I'd be destined to a horrible death at this point due to the things I'd chosen to do, the way I'd chosen to live my life up to this point. But your cross brings grace, love, forgiveness, redemption. I love you with my whole heart. I love that you are a fiercely jealous lover. May I never break your heart again. I love you.

Amen.


http://www.biblegateway.com/

Go Ahead And Deny Me: Philipians 4.1-9

"1 My dear, dear friends! I love you so much. I do want the very best for you. You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride. Don't waver. Stay on track, steady in God.
Pray About Everything 2I urge Euodia and Syntyche to iron out their differences and make up. God doesn't want his children holding grudges.
3And, oh, yes, Syzygus, since you're right there to help them work things out, do your best with them. These women worked for the Message hand in hand with Clement and me, and with the other veterans—worked as hard as any of us. Remember, their names are also in the Book of Life.
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. "



MAN I love the Message version! The verbiage is so so good!



Anyhow, this is, once again, perfect and exactly what I needed to read this morning. I'm going to be so bold as to mention something here, without any names, but just something I'm going through and that God is showing me, and not worry or fear that a certain someone or few might read this and get offended. The truth is I've chosen my path and guess what, everyone... It's going to offend a lot of people. Why? Because when the truth is spoken, it forces one to put their spirit in check and if the feeling they get from that is a tinge of- dare I say- uncomfortably- most try to rationalize to figure out why, and instead of addressing the issue at hand, they place the blame on the person speaking the truth. So here it is, in it's rawest (as possible) form:



I've been having a bit of an issue lately. With what? Well... with friends. And it's blatantly obvious to me what is going on in the Spiritual realm. The spirit in them REAAAALLLLY doesn't like the Spirit that's now in me. So as I've said before, when truth is spoken and uncomfortably hits, they have a choice to make. Either face it head on and tackle it like a bull, or create an offense against it (or the person, aka me) so they don't have to deal with the real TRUTH at hand.



These people who I've always considered my best friends... I'm seeing now that's not the case. And no, they haven't been replaced with a "new best friend" so they no longer hold their place, or anything like that. It's more like... My standards for what a friend is and how their supposed to act has been revitalized, the dust has been wiped off the windows, and now I see everything

clearly: They were the old Desiree's best friends. Allow me to explain even further.



I have always felt that I go out of my way time and time again, more often than not, when a friend is in need. I will drive the hour it takes to get to their house just because they've called and said "I'm bored, can you come over?" I will spend day after day with them when something important is coming up in their lives and I will be with them to encourage, keep excited, remind, everything I believe a friend is to do for a friend. But then the day comes when it's my turn. I am the one who has something very important come up in my life. Probably the most important thing that will ever happen... I receive a true revelation of the Cross of Christ. I ask for nothing more than my friends to come take part in this joyous day with me, the day I get off of the Encounter and I share my testimony... None show up. I offer up another chance, the important day I get baptized (today by the way)... And my friends either don't respond back to me at all, or suddenly respond back with hateful words, turning our friendship into a contest-"Well YOU never did THIS for me and YOU don't care about MY important day, and YOU, YOU, YOU-" And I would completely understand if these things were truth, but the truth of it is, they're absolutely not! So much so, in fact, that it hurt to hear my "best friend" say these things about me when I've done nothing but try to be at her side when I physically can, and even when I can't physically, I let her know that I'm there for her emotionally if she needs someone to talk to.



It's like, for one second, could you not think of yourself- and realize that your way of thinking is damaging to a friendship that means a lot to the both of us? For a single second could you look this whole situation in the face and realize, and be honest with yourself that you expect this amazing friendship out of me, but you never offer it in return?



And then I finally realized... These people are not to be my best friends any longer. The new Desiree has chosen her path, the new Desiree sees it clearly with no more dust in the windows, the new Desiree will not waver on the things that are most important, and quite frankly, the new Desiree says "Either you're with me or you're against me, but if you're against me, I've got no time for it. I'll always be your friend, I'll always be there for you if you need me, I'll always be praying for you, but we can no longer reside together side by side. We're walking down two separate paths and I can't afford to let you tie me down. I can't afford to keep taking offense every time you don't give two shits what's going on in my life..." (excuse the bluntness, but it's the only way to get the point across the way it's meant to be understood) The new Desiree's real, true friends that care about her and want to REALLY see the best for her and are there in her triumphs to celebrate with her and are there in her failures to help her back up again- are her brothers and sisters in Christ. Those who have the Spirit understand the Spirit and respond to the Spirit. Those who have a different spirit see my Spirit and get offended, they pick up offenses as to why this, why that- They'll find any excuse and any reason to get away from the topic. They suddenly have all these plans when the last time you talked to them, they were bored out of their mind with nothing to do. They accuse you of shoving your church down their throat. "I'm sorry, and that's not what I'm doing, but how do you shut up about something that excites you?" I respond back, and all they have left to say is "I'm done talking to you tonight." And once again, something I was excited about was suddenly looked over and left on the side of the road for the snakes and the bugs. My dear, how many times did I have the chance to say, "If you do not stop talking about your wedding, I swear I'm going to..." or "I swear, if you do not stop shoving what your cute little puppy did today down my throat..." but did I EVER do that? No. Not once. Why? Because friends- REAL friends get excited with their friends... no matter how much they have to hear about it, over and over and over again, sometimes- a REAL friend is there to rejoice with you ....But I know what's important to me, and I can't let anything, or anyone continue to drag me down.





So it was great to read this, this morning. It was exactly what I needed to hear from my perfect Father. Don' waver, stay on track. Work out my differences with these "friends", don't hold grudges. Work out my differences in the sense of figuring out why it is that there are differences, and I've certainly done that. And I'll be honest, a grudge was forming against them. It was like "I don't understand! WHY are they suddenly being such SUCKY friends, when all I've ever offered is love and support and friendship back to them, always! I just don't get it!" But it's all now starting to make sense. I'm starting to understand, clear as day, what it is that's going on in the Spiritual. Clear and plain as day. There's no denying it. And I've chosen to take a stand.
They're not denying me, they're denying Christ IN me... and that's something I'm not going to get in the way of... I'll just continue to pray for them and let God sort them out as he sees fit.



Lord,

Please forgive me for the grudge what was beginning to form against the Old Desiree's friends. I pray for them, I pray that you bless them with your Holy Spirit and with their own revelations of the Cross. You know I don't want to lose them, I enjoy their company, but the New Desiree can't afford to keep them in her life if they're not willing to make some changes in theirs, put plain and simply. I come against that spirit of offense in the name of Jesus and speak your love on the situation, your peace, your understanding. I pray for my girls. I pray healing on them. I pray your spirit on them. I pray you reveal yourself to them in a new and fresh way and instead of feeling condemned, they feel peace, they feel Truth. Lord, I thank you that I don't need them at my "important days". If you're there, that's all I need. I ask you be with me this morning when I get baptized at church. I pray, holy spirit, you give me the right, short amount of words, to say that will speak directly to people's hearts as they watch. I thank you in advance for the victory already being mine, being ours. I praise your name. Thank you so much for your wide open arms ready to receive me back no matter what I've done, how long I did it, and my consequences for doing it. You are a good God. You are a great Daddy. You are my Daddy and I'm proud. I love you.

Amen.

Luke 17.31-33

New International Version:
"31On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. 32Remember Lot's wife! 33Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

Amplified Bible:
"31On that day let him who is on the housetop, with his belongings in the house, not come down [and go inside] to carry them away; and likewise let him who is in the field not turn back.
32Remember Lot's wife!
33Whoever tries to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve and quicken it."

New Living Translation:
"31 On that day a person out on the deck of a roof must not go down into the house to pack. A person out in the field must not return home. 32 Remember what happened to Lot’s wife! 33 If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it. "

The Message:
" 31-33"When the Day arrives and you're out working in the yard, don't run into the house to get anything. And if you're out in the field, don't go back and get your coat. Remember what happened to Lot's wife! If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms."

The Message is my favorite version of this passage. The Message is usually always my favorite. The translations always seem to hit home a little better than normal.

Anyhow, this is interesting. As most may know, but some don't, I'm going to dive into the story of Lot's wife for a moment. Lot was the nephew of Abraham, but Abraham took him in as a son. Lot never fully felt like a son, even though Abraham gave him anything and everything he'd ever asked for. Abraham eventually had to let Lot go. He had to release him from his authority, from his care, his blessing, his supervision, because Lot, no matter how much Abraham had wanted to take him in as a spiritual son, he just didn't get it! Well the land that Lot had taken from Abraham (he'd offered whatever land he wanted he could have) Lot chose the best of the best land (poverty mentality by the way, instead of picking the best land of POTENTIAL he picked what was already at it's best) Anyhow, all that to say, the land he'd chosen ended up being near Sodom (a land known for it's evil people and flagrant sinners against God). Lot eventually got sucked into it, started a family there, had a wife, so on so forth.

Well the time came when God was so fed up with Sodom that he was going to destroy it but Abraham pleaded with God, "Please, let me save my nephew Lot and his family." God finally agreed and sent angels to Lot and his family to tell them that the city was going to be burnt to a crisp so they fled but the rule was "Don't turn to look back, not even once..." Well... as they were leaving, Lot's wife turned around to look back at what she was leaving behind and she INSTANTLY turned to dust. She was destroyed...

So once again:
"Remember what happened to Lot's wife! If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms."

HERE'S the interesting part:
On the encounter, I got a word from Susan Burgoin. She'd said she really felt like God was telling her to tell me that anything I had physically from my past (ie: clothes, cds, books, anything) to "burn them", get rid of them, and more freedom will come to me.

Yesterday, when I was hanging out with Freedom, she told me the story of Lot and then said she'd received a word for me last Sunday (which is the same day that Susan had given me my word) that I needed to remember Lot's wife and don't look back. Do not look back at my past. Anything that I had that was any sort of attachment or memory from my past I needed to "burn it" get rid of it, give it away, whatever. Just don't keep it around anymore.

I saw that as a total sign from God. If he thought it important enough to tell me twice, through two different people, then it's something I MUST do. It's not an option. It's not a request. It's something that God has made it very clear to me that I need to do in order to receive a deeper level of freedom.

Lord,
I ask that you reveal anything and everything that I may have that could potentially be a memory or spiritual attachment to anyone or anything from my past. I know most of my stuff is in storage, but don't let that discourage me. Let me take control of the things that I DO have right here with me and get rid of them. I thank you that YOUR best interest in mind for me is to be free completely. Holy Spirit be with me today. Don't leave my side. I ask for the endurance to do what YOU have told me to do and I do not accept Laziness or Apathy, in the name of Jesus. I love you I love you I love you. Today is the day of OVERCOMING!

amen.

Pan's Labyrinth and Late Night Thoughts

Pan's Labyrinth sucks. It's such a great movie, hence why it sucks.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out at the very ending of this movie and this is now the second time I've seen it and the second time I've cried my eyes out. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Are you going to see it as a fantasy movie, and you're thus excited for Ofelia in the end? Or do you see it as a historical fiction movie- and see that Ofelia was always living in a fantasy world, even to the day she died... I guess it has a lot to do with your own heart and the things you, yourself have been through to help dictate why you see it which way you see it. I can't help but see it the latter. Each time. Her life was so hard she chose to live in a fantasy world to get through the depression of it. I've been there before.

But for the first time, tonight, I saw it as a spiritual thing (go figure, my heart has grown more sensitive lately to the spiritual). I mean, HELLO?! A princess? Her final task was to shed her own blood instead of the blood of an innocent? Her father is a King? She finally got to sit at his side in their kingdom?

Anyhow, I don't know why I wrote this, just getting my random thoughts off my sleepy mind. Bye.

Acts 3.12-16

"12-16When Peter saw he had a congregation, he addressed the people:
"Oh, Israelites, why does this take you by such complete surprise, and why stare at us as if our power or piety made him walk? The God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, the God of our ancestors, has glorified his Son Jesus. The very One that Pilate called innocent, you repudiated. You repudiated the Holy One, the Just One, and asked for a murderer in his place. You no sooner killed the Author of Life than God raised him from the dead—and we're the witnesses. Faith in Jesus' name put this man, whose condition you know so well, on his feet—yes, faith and nothing but faith put this man healed and whole right before your eyes.
17-18"And now, friends, I know you had no idea what you were doing when you killed Jesus, and neither did your leaders. But God, who through the preaching of all the prophets had said all along that his Messiah would be killed, knew exactly what you were doing and used it to fulfill his plans.
19-23"Now it's time to change your ways! Turn to face God so he can wipe away your sins, pour out showers of blessing to refresh you, and send you the Messiah he prepared for you, namely, Jesus. For the time being he must remain out of sight in heaven until everything is restored to order again just the way God, through the preaching of his holy prophets of old, said it would be. Moses, for instance, said, 'Your God will raise up for you a prophet just like me from your family. Listen to every word he speaks to you. Every last living soul who refuses to listen to that prophet will be wiped out from the people.'
24-26"All the prophets from Samuel on down said the same thing, said most emphatically that these days would come. These prophets, along with the covenant God made with your ancestors, are your family tree. God's covenant-word to Abraham provides the text: 'By your offspring all the families of the earth will be blessed.' But you are first in line: God, having raised up his Son, sent him to bless you as you turn, one by one, from your evil ways." "


Okay! I few things!

I used to always struggle mentally with the idea of, "God loves all his children, even Judas, who betrayed him, but be used him to betray Jesus because SOMEONE needs to betray Jesus, so Judas just got the short straw? He's destined for hell because SOMEONE needed to betray Jesus? I don't get it! That's... not fair."

And it seems so simple, like I should KNOW this by now... but look at the way that The Message worded this"But God, who through the preaching of all the prophets had said all along that his Messiah would be killed, knew exactly what you were doing and used it to fulfill his plans." -Acts 3.18

HELLO!? DUH... He knew exactly what they were doing and used it to fulfill his plans! It wasn't prophesied that someone would betray Jesus because that's just the way it "needed to happen". No. It was the way it was GOING to happen, and God, who sees and knows all, told these secrets of the future to his disciples through Jesus, and the Prophets.

So in my head, it's not "poor ol' Judas" anymore. He wasn't chosen to betray Jesus. He was GOING to betray Jesus, and God just knew about it and informed Jesus before it happened. Thank you, Lord for that revelation! Now it makes sense and I don't have to worry about that weird feeling in my spirit when I think about Judas and Jesus.

You just don't get it until you get it.


And I also love this:

"Now it's time to change your ways! Turn to face God so he can wipe away your sins, pour out showers of blessing to refresh you, and send you the Messiah he prepared for you, namely, Jesus." -Acts 3.19

I don't think people fully FULLY understand the meaning of "wipe away your sins," or "pour out showers of blessing to refresh you." BAH! He totally wiped away MY sins... and with that the shame and guilt and pressure! ALL of it. I am now fully FULLY restored back to physical and emotional health! Absolutely!

THANK YOU JESUS!

Lord,

I ask for the blessings to follow. Not only because I want them, but I definitely need them. I specifically ask that you send me my perfect job, fit for me specifically, one that I will be happy and grow creatively in. I love that it's in your hands and I don't have to stress over it anymore. All I need to do is be open to receiving the wisdom I ask that you give! I ask for the income to be able to get a home of my own. I pray that you are already preparing the way for my perfect little home. I ask for endurance during my 6 month dating fast to die to those things that used to feed me (the habits I'd formed of seeking after approval of men, feeding my flesh with whatever, etc). I pray for the diligance to seek after YOU and what YOU think about me for the next 6 months, and I'm believing in faith you'll bring me who I'm supposed to be with when it's all said and done. I'm happy the blinders have been removed over my eyes and I can now see and get excited for what YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR ME! Holy Spirit, be with me today! Keep me warm in my heaterless car! I ask for your blessings today! I ask for quality time that's to be spent with Freedom, Vivia, Rio and my Auntie Gabrielle and Uncle Raymond. That even though I don't really know them that well, that you will bless our time together. I thank you that SOMEONE from my father's side is showing an interested in us Goguens. I pray that that speaks to my father in ways that words can't and it's the beginning of family restoration. I love you and praise you for being wonderfully YOU.

Amen.

Psalm 148

" 1-5 Hallelujah! Praise God from heaven,

praise him from the mountaintops;

Praise him, all you his angels,

praise him, all you his warriors,

Praise him, sun and moon,

praise him, you morning stars;

Praise him, high heaven,

praise him, heavenly rain clouds;

Praise, oh let them praise the name of God—

he spoke the word, and there they were!

6 He set them in place

from all time to eternity;

He gave his orders,

and that's it!

7-12 Praise God from earth,

you sea dragons, you fathomless ocean deeps;

Fire and hail, snow and ice,

hurricanes obeying his orders;

Mountains and all hills,

apple orchards and cedar forests;

Wild beasts and herds of cattle,

snakes, and birds in flight;

Earth's kings and all races,

leaders and important people,

Robust men and women in their prime,

and yes, graybeards and little children.

13-14 Let them praise the name of God—

it's the only Name worth praising.

His radiance exceeds anything in earth and sky;

he's built a monument—his very own people!

Praise from all who love God!

Israel's children, intimate friends of God.

Hallelujah! "

Praise Jesus. That's the only thing that can leave my lips in this moment. Praise Jesus. He is the reason for my deliverance. He is the reason I'm physically healed. Praise Jesus. He is the reason why I'm here, right here, at 7.20a, writing in a blog dedicated to seeking after God's own heart. He gave me a new heart. Praise Jesus. He took away my baggage. He traded it for the Holy Spirit, my best friend. Praise Jesus. He is the reason I have a testimony instead of just a ruptured past. Praise Jesus. He is the reason I have hope and peace about all my situations I'm in. Praise Jesus.

Jesus, I love you so much. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins... For MY sins. I thank you that you proved to me with such love... that I was never too far away from you, no matter what I'd done, you were ALWAYS there to welcome me back. You're pretty amazing. Even though I felt shamed and as if I couldn't return to you ever again because of what I'd done, the things I'd been through that made me feel dirty and undeserving of you. Thank you that you still spoke to me and told me I could return. I love you. I am in love with you.

Holy Spirit, please be with me all day today as I clean some more houses (yay...). I ask for joy in doing so, regardless of how messy it might be before, and I ask for the diligence to keep at it until it is fully clean. Holy Spirit, warm me on this cold cold day with no heater in my car. I'll bundle up, but please supernaturally keep me warm. Or miraculously fix my heater. Haha. Either way, I'm happy.

I name my day, today a day of Praise for Jesus. Lord, may nothing negative leave my lips today.

I love you I love you I love you.

amen.

Tracey's Word for Me!

"16-21This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
they lie down and then can't get up;
they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
rivers in the badlands.
Wild animals will say 'Thank you!'
—the coyotes and the buzzards—
Because I provided water in the desert,
rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose,
the people I made especially for myself,
a people custom-made to praise me.


25"But I, yes I, am the one
who takes care of your sins—that's what I do.
I don't keep a list of your sins. "

-Isaiah 43. 14-21 & 25

Yes and Amen!

Genesis 19.30-38

" 30 Afterward Lot left Zoar because he was afraid of the people there, and he went to live in a cave in the mountains with his two daughters. 31 One day the older daughter said to her sister, “There are no men left anywhere in this entire area, so we can’t get married like everyone else. And our father will soon be too old to have children. 32 Come, let’s get him drunk with wine, and then we will have sex with him. That way we will preserve our family line through our father.”
33 So that night they got him drunk with wine, and the older daughter went in and had intercourse with her father. He was unaware of her lying down or getting up again.
34 The next morning the older daughter said to her younger sister, “I had sex with our father last night. Let’s get him drunk with wine again tonight, and you go in and have sex with him. That way we will preserve our family line through our father.” 35 So that night they got him drunk with wine again, and the younger daughter went in and had intercourse with him. As before, he was unaware of her lying down or getting up again.
36 As a result, both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their own father. 37 When the older daughter gave birth to a son, she named him Moab. He became the ancestor of the nation now known as the Moabites. 38 When the younger daughter gave birth to a son, she named him Ben-ammi. He became the ancestor of the nation now known as the Ammonites." -Genesis 19. 30-38


Okay. Ew. Gross.

But I can't be so quick to judge. You must hear the heart of this passage:

These women were feeling in despair. I'm sure they were feeling depression. They ended up living in a cave with their father out of their own fear. Fear feeds fear. They began to worry that there was no future for them. They feared not getting married so much that they took their fate into their own hands...

Um... need I say more?

This is exactly what I did. Sure I didn't get my DAD drunk and sleep with him, but amidst my random nights with random guys, those always fell between the numerous month-long relationships with the guys I saw just enough potential to have a future with. It almost became a puzzle for me. A Rubik's cube. You try to put all the colored sides together, and it's going great for a while until you see a single green cube on the yellow wall. Well crap. Now I gotta go back and rearrange everything, dismantle it and try again. That was the relationships I was in, in a nutshell. Everything seemed to be perfect (my yellow wall), he was handsome, he had money, he was a skydiver, he loved to travel, he was completely enamoured with me. And then there was that green cube... He didn't love Jesus. Not only that, but as strongly as I believed in Jesus is how strongly he believed God didn't exist.

Or, He was handsome, he was funny, he was always fun to be around, he loved me, he would never do anything to hurt me. But the green cube? He was completely immature in the worst of ways... he was three years younger than me so I felt as if I'd asked for it.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. I was constantly trying to put this Rubik's cube together in my life.

But God has shown me so much about this:

He's shown me Matthew 6.33. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I spent so much time creating a habit out of trying to worry or care what other people thought of me, and not worrying what God thought of me. Ultimately, which is more important? Think about it. Seriously.

Which is why I've decided to go on a dating fast. THAT'S RIGHT- this girl that used to always need someone by her side is choosing... FOR SIX MONTHS... to do nothing but seek the face of the Lord. I will be getting my approval from HIM. I will not be going out on dates, I will not be talking to any males for the purpose of building friendships... The Lord has shown me that I need to start rebuilding my relationships with other women, my friendships with the other women of the church.

Lord,
I ask for your holy spirit during these six months. I don't feel like I'd be RUNNING towards a man anymore, but I do believe that I'm not above temptation. I ask for your guidance. I ask that you reveal yourself to me in a new way during this time. I ask that you give me new revelations of what I mean to you. I want you to romance me, Jesus. I want to be YOUR lover. I want to be YOUR heart. My heart is yours.

I ask that you prepare me to teach my testimony as cell group tonight. Give me the words to use, I pray that hearts are open to receive, that ears are open to listen, spiritual eyes are open to see the change not only in myself, but that it's possible for them. I pray that someone new is at cell group tonight. And while I'm on the topic, Lord I forgive my friend for not showing an interest in me, I forgive her for her story constantly changing. I recognize that it isn't her that doesn't want to be at cell group, it's the spirit inside of her that goes against God. I know it because I used to have it. Strongly. And you say in your word, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."- Ephesians 6.12 And I don't doubt it for a second. I don't take offense at her. I take offense with the enemy and all it does is make me want to fight harder for her. I thank you that you've given me my fight back. My spiritual fight. I love you, Lord and I thank you in advance for the victory. Holy Spirit be with me today.

Amen.

My Testimony (part two)

I always wanted to wait until I was 21 to start drinking. I did pretty well for the most part. It was a couple weeks before my 21st birthday that I had my first drunken experience. It was new, fresh, different, but above all, it made me forget about all the problems I was going through. I had a history of alcoholism in my family line so I was just destined for failure since I went into it blindly. I began to enjoy drinking more and more, and finally, more than I enjoyed actually living sober. One drunken night led to another. Drinking gave me courage I didn't normally have. Little did I care that it was impairing my better judgment. I can't count how many times I'd had a drunken night, binging with friends, only to end up back at my apartment with a guy. Someone I knew from high school, someone I'd only spoken to a couple times, someone I'd just met... it didn't matter. I wasn't in the right state of mind to care who I went home with. I was on a road to destruction.

Then one night changed my life... I brought home an old friend from high school. We were both drunk. Things started getting intimate. We had sex. He didn't bother putting on a condom. He was too drunk to realize this was what he NEEDED to do... I was too drunk to care... A few days later, I noticed it started to hurt when I would urinate. I figured I probably had some sort of yeast infection. It would go away. I was sure of it. It didn't. It got worse. It got to the point where I would either bite down on my hand or bite down on a wet washcloth to muffle my screams. I didn't want to wake up my roommate. It felt like a flame was being held to my genitals. It was making me physically sick. My muscles were stiff, I felt tired all the time. I knew something was seriously wrong. I dreaded drinking anything other than beer because drinking meant I would have to later urinate, and at least beer numbed me enough that I wouldn't feel the pain as bad when I actually had to urinate. I noticed sores were starting to show up. I did my research.

Before too long, it was blatantly obvious... I had received Genital Herpes. This guy, who I cared nothing about, had just given me an STV (sexually transmitted virus). According to the world's views, this is a virus that is incurable. Let me say that again... There is supposedly no cure for Genital Herpes. But I believe in a God that heals physical ailments. But those who don't know God, don't know that that is even possible. I didn't believe at the time. I sunk into a deeper depression. What little bit of hope I had for my life had diminished. I went to a clinic to get it tested, but I was so infected they couldn't even take a sample from me, but the doctor unofficially told me that was what I had acquired.

Realizing I had it, changed my life forever. It was a process. It began with hating myself. Hating the guy. Hating life. I had no reason to live anymore. I'd already destroyed myself to the point of thinking no one would ever want to be with me again. I was tarnished. I was a disgrace. I was in shame. I only told my best friend, who just so happened to be my roommate, out of necessity. She knew something was going on, she could hear me crying my eyes out, screaming every time I'd go to the bathroom. Other than that, I didn't want ANYONE to know... what a shameful thing, right? It took a long time (a year, to be exact) until I was able to turn my life back around, see it for what it REALLY was... an obstacle to overcome. One drunken night. My, what a night can change...

I had told my leader about it prior to going on the encounter and she insisted that I begin to pray daily for this, if I wanted to see physical healing. So every time I would go to the bathroom, I would rest my hand at the base of my spine and say a prayer. Every. Time. I went to the bathroom. One of my expectations for this Encounter, and probably the biggest aside from restoration back to God, was to be physically healed of this shameful thing I'd acquired! And I wasn't sure if the healing would actually happen or not, but I prayed faithfully, I was hopeful that it would be gone, but I still had that small fear. "Yes, but you deserve what you got! So what if he decides NOT to take it from you?" I would think to myself. What a load of crap!

Then one night at cell group, we were watching a clip of "The Passion of the Christ" and (as I've mentioned before in a past blog entry) it was the point where whoever he was came up to Jesus on the Cross and began to taunt him saying, "YOU claim you can destroy the temple and rebuild it in THREE DAYS?!"

And that's when God spoke to me. He told me, "You know, Des... The Encounter is three days... Your body is a temple... I'm going to destroy your temple and rebuild it." I was so excited to have heard this! Why? Because it was clear as day what it meant. No worry or fear to try and dance around it and try to "make it mean something else" just so I could get confused and inevitably not accept it. It was clear as day. I told my leader. She got chills. She was now in agreement with me.

SO... On the Encounter, I can't really tell you a specific point when I was completely healed of it, I feel as if God was taking it from me from the moment I was praying every time I went to the bathroom. But for the first time in the history of NWCs Encounters (and I had NO IDEA of this until I'd gotten there)... they had a physical healing line. ANYONE who had ANYTHING physically that needed to be healed, these powerful women in Christ would pray over us and we would be delivered of our physical ailments. HALLELUJAH!!! THAT... isn't coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason! God knew how much shame I'd had from receiving this disease, HE knew how badly I wanted it gone...

In faith, I'm going to save up some money so I can go and get my official test done, just for the doctors to say to me "What are you doing here? You don't have any disease." I believe it. Absolutely. Without a single doubt.

Thank you Lord, for your powerful healing hand. Thank you for removing my shame COMPLETELY from me to where I can be so bold as to even talk about this. YOU know what a huge feat that is for me because YOU know EXACTLY what I was going through. I thank you that you never left my side. Not once. Even when I felt so alone, you were right there just waiting for me to turn around and run back to you. You're so so wonderful, Jesus! I'm so in love with you.

There's still more to my testimony, people! So hang in there for the next part. But as of now, I gotta go get to working with Tracey! (Good thing I'm already over here >.< Cut down on drive time.)

Luke 15.11-22

"11To illustrate the point further, Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. 12 The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons.
13 “A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. 14 About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. 15 He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. 16 The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything.
17 “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! 18 I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, 19 and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’
20 “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. 21 His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’
22 “But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. 23 And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, 24 for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began." -Luke 15.11-22

In all actuality... nothing else really needs to be said. Read the passage. That was me. Absolutely.

I used to hate hearing about the Prodigal Son story. I'd screw up here and there and come back to Jesus and suddenly I'd be just like "The Prodigal Son! The Prodigal Son!" I didn't even know the full weight of it until this time.

I was away for nearly two years. It's as if before I left I had asked God for his inheritance for me (aka, still attending the church, receiving prayer, giving worship, etc etc) and after receiving it, I took it and ran with it. I spent away all God had given me (not to mention physical money as well!) on a "wild lifestyle". Thank the LORD, I still haven't touched a single drug a day in my life, but the things that I did get into weren't any better. Sex sex sex. Drinking drinking drinking. Lying lying lying. Depression depression depression. Loneliness loneliness loneliness. Need I go on and on and on?

I finally reached the physical point where I had literally waisted away my cash, my networks, my body... (Ill get into THAT one in the post that will follow)

But I was NEVER too far away from God. Just like the Prodigal Son, when he returned, his father was already planning a party for him when he merely saw him walking in the distance. For all the father knew, he could have just been returning for more money. But it didn't matter to the father. Just to see him anyway(and I also believe that the father's spirit knew why he was returning but that's besides the point).

That's what it's like with God. He wanted me back with a burning passion and he could hardly stand it from excitement when he saw me coming back from the distance. But this weekend I had my party with the Lord. And I expect many many more after!

Lord Jesus,
Be with me today! I'm so so in love with you, I can hardly stand it. I thank you for welcoming me back with open arms. That no matter what I'd done, I was never too far away to come running back. You never cease to amaze me. Keep me close to your heart ALWAYS! And I name today VICTORIOUS! xoxoxxo

amen.