"Awake, awake, O Zion, clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor, O Jerusalem, the holy city. The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again. Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive Daughter of Zion. For this is what the LORD says: "You were sold for nothing, and without money you will be redeemed." - Isaiah 52.1-3
This... is pretty great. Kinda exactly what I needed to hear (as usual. Funny how God always works that way, eh?)
I was just talking with Tracey yesterday about a certain situation (we'll get there, don't worry!) that I'm still somewhat struggling with. She said to me, "It's only natural that you are feeling weak right now. You just got out of battle. Anyone just getting out of battle is going to be a certain level of weak." And when she said that, it made sense. But the Lord MY God says to me this morning, at 8.20a, sitting in my sister, Freedom's, kitchen on her laptop while my niece watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...
"Awake, awake, O Desiree, clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor, O Desiree, the desire of my heart. The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again."
That's a promise! One that I was worried about! A LOT! I was thinking about it all day yesterday. "So because THIS is going on and THIS has happened, does that mean I'm accepting this spirit BACK into my life??" And the answer is NO, says the Lord MY God. "The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again." Thank you, Jesus.
I'm brought back to the cutest thing that happened this morning (and every time Vivia has to go potty and lets a grown up know about it). Here's how it starts:
"Tia Desie?" "Yes, Vivia?" "I gotta go potty..." "You gotta go potty!? Okay let's go!!!" (She goes potty, either telling me to stay and shut the door or get out and shut the door depending on if it's number one or number two. Then we flush it, wash hands, she gives me a high five, then comes the cute part.) "Tia Desie! Can I have surprise treasure??"
So she closes her eyes and reaches her hand into a bag full of little toys, and even though there are TONS of TOYS in there, her little fingers pick out ONE ... single toy... And no matter what it is, she pulls it from the bag, lets out a gasp of excitement and shows it to me.
"Tia Desie! Look! It's a- what is it?"
But the bottom line is it doesn't matter what it is, she loves it. She absolutely LOVES it. She doesn't say this:
"What?! I just took the time to tell you I had to go potty, actually GO potty, and all I get rewarded with is THIS?! I hate it!"
No. No. No. This isn't Vivia. She's grateful for every little toy she gets, because she knows she's earned it. I think that's the most precious thing, and there's a lot to learn from a child when dealing with God.
God is going to bless me, there's no doubt about that. But when he does, how many times have I been like, "Aw man... this isn't what I thought I was going to get..." or "This isn't how I thought I'd ever get this..." But God has my absolute best in mind. And I've been so used to feeding myself that I don't see a good thing when it hits me because all I've been used to is destruction and thrift store hand-me-downs. I liken it to when I spent a long... LONG time of my life thinking Depression was my friend. I felt comfortable in depression because I knew I could trust depression. I knew I could trust that it would ALWAYS be there anytime I was going through something difficult.
God showed me this weekend that that is not healthy, at all! And even better- he delivered me of that thought process, entirely. I used to grin to myself when I thought of the word Suicide. That's disturbing. Don't you think? Not anymore. My heart hurts when I think of Suicide. It's insane how God can take an entire lifetime of thought processes and turn it around in one single weekend.
Lord, I love you more than the word Love can express. There needs to be a new word created to explain the beginning of my love for you. You deserve every inch of it. Thank you for being such an amazing God, Father, Lover... You amaze me. Holy Spirit, be with me today, ALL day... You make me smile, now, Holy Spirit. I never want to leave your side again. Hold me close to you. Always, always, always. Show me something new today, Holy Spirit. I'll keep my eyes open to receive it. Help me with my struggle as well. Today, I name my day JOYOUS!
amen.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
My Testimony (part one)
Half of the church knew me from the past. The other half that didn't spoke of Northwest's character. I started going to my church when I was 12-13 years old. So I can pretty much say I was raised in the ways of God. I knew the lingo, I knew what I was supposed to do, but my heart wasn't to do those things. I tried to make it my heart, but that was the problem from the very beginning. I was trying- in my own power. I was trying to please everyone else, I neglected the most important part- needing to please God.
A big issue that comes with the territory when you're too busy trying to please people instead of God is when you screw up, you don't want anyone to know. You want to always appear on the outside as if everything is hunky-dorey. And I walked into the worst of situations because of this.
People don't always realize what growing up without a father does to a child. Although that is the case with me, I'm not here to give excuses for what I'd done. What I always thought was the worst of the worst of sins- when I used the cross as a "scale of good and bad" instead of for redemption- was, "well at least I'm not having an affair with a married man." Well guess what...
I did.
And to make matters worse, it was in the church. My church. It lasted nine months in secret. This emotional affair ate away at my very being. Of course I couldn't tell anyone- what would they think? Of course I couldn't just end it and repent before it had gone too far. I didn't fully understand the power of the cross and all I saw was, "you're wrong, you're bad, no one will understand, everyone will judge you- you have to still appear as if nothing is wrong. Everything is hunky-dorey. Remember?"
That only made matters worse. I began to feel like I was going clinically insane, having to constantly be covering my tracks. I had to give good reasons for why I wasn't home and figure out "where I was". Make sure you told this person over here the same story you told that person over there in the off chance that they'll talk to each other and hear different stories. The lies were physically eating away at my insides until sometimes I'd feel sick.
But it had gone too far for me to turn around now. I was in the middle of a mess. I liken it to when a cat will vomit, then eat it again. Disgusting, filthy, and absolutely revolting. But he was telling this fatherless girl everything any girl would want to hear. Too good to be true... It was.
When everything blew up- we were found out- my life as I knew it- was over. I was asked to leave the church with good reason. There was no way for me (the other woman) and her (his wife) to receive healing in the same place, so long as she still decided to attend my church. But my already broken heart took this as rejection. Everyone who I knew to be my real friends were now being told they couldn't talk to me by their leaders (and once again, with good reason) but my already broken heart didn't see it that way. I took it as more rejection. My family- who all attended my church as well, now knew of this "worst of the worst" sin I'd committed, and I felt as if I'd put my family to shame- even worse, I felt as if they felt I'd put them to shame.
After leaving my church, things only got worse for me. Because I'd committed this "awful sin", I felt as if I was ruined. I had nothing left to give anyone- I was worthless- so what did it matter? This led to countless run-ins with random guys. Drunken nights. Pointless relationships. Depression. My list of guys I'd been with was rather large- and the worst part was it was all done within a two year period. I was literally wasting away- but what did it matter? I was worthless. I was ruined. My time to shine had come and gone.
When I'd first gotten the call that this man's wife had decided to move out of state, and that I was now welcomed back to my church for family restoration, my immediate thought wasn't, "Screw them! They left me alone to rot." No. It was, "There's no way I could go back there. Absolutely NO WAY... Everyone has been talking about me- everyone knows what I did. Everyone hates me."
More time passed. But there's nothing like a death in the family to bring them close together. It was exactly five days after I'd broken up with one of my boyfriends, whom I was sure would last, but didn't and I was still living with him in Tampa because I had no where else to go- when I got the call that one of my favorite aunts ever, my Aunt Becky, had died in a freak accident. That very day I packed up all my stuff and made the two hour drive back to Orlando to move back in with my mom.
But that wasn't enough- just yet- to have me come running back to God. Close- but not yet. It wasn't until after I'd still not found a steady job in Orlando- and our landlord sold the property my mother and I were living at, thus having to move; me having no money meant I had no where to go. That's right Ladies and Gentlemen. I was now homeless, moneyless, jobless, boyfriendless, Aunt Beckyless, AND Godless.
This was when it started to finally click in my head. I wasn't only NOT in the perfect will of God, but I was RUNNING from it. And it's not like God was smiting me. It was more like he was saying, "All right, Desiree. You want to do things your way? I'm going to have to remove my hand of protection from you. I can't reside with sin. I'm sorry."
I caught a very descriptive-disease filled- glimpse into a life without God and finally realized... Not only do I not want that for my life, but my spirit is hungry to be under God's protection, love, and forgiveness.
And so began my weekend on my Encounter.
God is so so good. He's such a loving, powerful father. A daddy. My daddy. He showed me this weekend that he not only accepts me back with open arms, but he wept tears of joy as he welcomed me back and said, "I'm so glad you're back, daughter. I've missed you so much." He cried. I cried.
But it was a process. The weekend began with me thinking to myself, "Wow! That's funny. The enemy didn't try ONE tactic in trying to keep me from coming this weekend." But as the night began, I felt my pride creep up. It was stopping me from receiving. Enjoying. Opening up. And then I realized it. The enemy was saying, "I don't care that you're going (because the truth of THAT is NOTHING was going to stop me from attending the Encounter so he didn't have a choice) I could care less that you're here, but I'm not going to let you receive anything. Watch me work." I went to a leader immediately and had her pray with me/ for me that I would be open to receiving what God had for me this weekend. And he did. He totally, completely, 100% did.
The first evening, all the leaders had prayed over the chairs before we even arrived and whatever chair we chose to sit in was the one that lined up with the word that God had given for that chair. I sat in the first chair, third row. One of the leaders approached me and gave me my word. That word was:
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -Jeremiah 1.5
"God set aside this time for you! It's NO mistake that you are here this weekend on this Encounter! He has big plans for you!"
I found this interesting. Why? Because I remember receiving this same word, a long time ago... that I was to be a prophet to the nations... I'm beginning to see the big picture, the large plan God has for my life and if it involves nations? I'm in. I'm sold. Where do I sign? And even better, it's going to involve setting other women free in the name of Jesus!
God did so so much for me on this Encounter. So much I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to have to add more and more here and there, every day let you in on something else the Lord has given BACK to me that the enemy had stolen.
But as for now, I'm watching Kung Fu Panda with my niece, Vivia, whom I am proud now, to be her aunt. I was always proud to be her aunt, but now... I'm an aunt I'm proud for her to look up to. I'm giving her something to look up to. Praise Jesus. I'm in love with you.
Amen.
A big issue that comes with the territory when you're too busy trying to please people instead of God is when you screw up, you don't want anyone to know. You want to always appear on the outside as if everything is hunky-dorey. And I walked into the worst of situations because of this.
People don't always realize what growing up without a father does to a child. Although that is the case with me, I'm not here to give excuses for what I'd done. What I always thought was the worst of the worst of sins- when I used the cross as a "scale of good and bad" instead of for redemption- was, "well at least I'm not having an affair with a married man." Well guess what...
I did.
And to make matters worse, it was in the church. My church. It lasted nine months in secret. This emotional affair ate away at my very being. Of course I couldn't tell anyone- what would they think? Of course I couldn't just end it and repent before it had gone too far. I didn't fully understand the power of the cross and all I saw was, "you're wrong, you're bad, no one will understand, everyone will judge you- you have to still appear as if nothing is wrong. Everything is hunky-dorey. Remember?"
That only made matters worse. I began to feel like I was going clinically insane, having to constantly be covering my tracks. I had to give good reasons for why I wasn't home and figure out "where I was". Make sure you told this person over here the same story you told that person over there in the off chance that they'll talk to each other and hear different stories. The lies were physically eating away at my insides until sometimes I'd feel sick.
But it had gone too far for me to turn around now. I was in the middle of a mess. I liken it to when a cat will vomit, then eat it again. Disgusting, filthy, and absolutely revolting. But he was telling this fatherless girl everything any girl would want to hear. Too good to be true... It was.
When everything blew up- we were found out- my life as I knew it- was over. I was asked to leave the church with good reason. There was no way for me (the other woman) and her (his wife) to receive healing in the same place, so long as she still decided to attend my church. But my already broken heart took this as rejection. Everyone who I knew to be my real friends were now being told they couldn't talk to me by their leaders (and once again, with good reason) but my already broken heart didn't see it that way. I took it as more rejection. My family- who all attended my church as well, now knew of this "worst of the worst" sin I'd committed, and I felt as if I'd put my family to shame- even worse, I felt as if they felt I'd put them to shame.
After leaving my church, things only got worse for me. Because I'd committed this "awful sin", I felt as if I was ruined. I had nothing left to give anyone- I was worthless- so what did it matter? This led to countless run-ins with random guys. Drunken nights. Pointless relationships. Depression. My list of guys I'd been with was rather large- and the worst part was it was all done within a two year period. I was literally wasting away- but what did it matter? I was worthless. I was ruined. My time to shine had come and gone.
When I'd first gotten the call that this man's wife had decided to move out of state, and that I was now welcomed back to my church for family restoration, my immediate thought wasn't, "Screw them! They left me alone to rot." No. It was, "There's no way I could go back there. Absolutely NO WAY... Everyone has been talking about me- everyone knows what I did. Everyone hates me."
More time passed. But there's nothing like a death in the family to bring them close together. It was exactly five days after I'd broken up with one of my boyfriends, whom I was sure would last, but didn't and I was still living with him in Tampa because I had no where else to go- when I got the call that one of my favorite aunts ever, my Aunt Becky, had died in a freak accident. That very day I packed up all my stuff and made the two hour drive back to Orlando to move back in with my mom.
But that wasn't enough- just yet- to have me come running back to God. Close- but not yet. It wasn't until after I'd still not found a steady job in Orlando- and our landlord sold the property my mother and I were living at, thus having to move; me having no money meant I had no where to go. That's right Ladies and Gentlemen. I was now homeless, moneyless, jobless, boyfriendless, Aunt Beckyless, AND Godless.
This was when it started to finally click in my head. I wasn't only NOT in the perfect will of God, but I was RUNNING from it. And it's not like God was smiting me. It was more like he was saying, "All right, Desiree. You want to do things your way? I'm going to have to remove my hand of protection from you. I can't reside with sin. I'm sorry."
I caught a very descriptive-disease filled- glimpse into a life without God and finally realized... Not only do I not want that for my life, but my spirit is hungry to be under God's protection, love, and forgiveness.
And so began my weekend on my Encounter.
God is so so good. He's such a loving, powerful father. A daddy. My daddy. He showed me this weekend that he not only accepts me back with open arms, but he wept tears of joy as he welcomed me back and said, "I'm so glad you're back, daughter. I've missed you so much." He cried. I cried.
But it was a process. The weekend began with me thinking to myself, "Wow! That's funny. The enemy didn't try ONE tactic in trying to keep me from coming this weekend." But as the night began, I felt my pride creep up. It was stopping me from receiving. Enjoying. Opening up. And then I realized it. The enemy was saying, "I don't care that you're going (because the truth of THAT is NOTHING was going to stop me from attending the Encounter so he didn't have a choice) I could care less that you're here, but I'm not going to let you receive anything. Watch me work." I went to a leader immediately and had her pray with me/ for me that I would be open to receiving what God had for me this weekend. And he did. He totally, completely, 100% did.
The first evening, all the leaders had prayed over the chairs before we even arrived and whatever chair we chose to sit in was the one that lined up with the word that God had given for that chair. I sat in the first chair, third row. One of the leaders approached me and gave me my word. That word was:
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -Jeremiah 1.5
"God set aside this time for you! It's NO mistake that you are here this weekend on this Encounter! He has big plans for you!"
I found this interesting. Why? Because I remember receiving this same word, a long time ago... that I was to be a prophet to the nations... I'm beginning to see the big picture, the large plan God has for my life and if it involves nations? I'm in. I'm sold. Where do I sign? And even better, it's going to involve setting other women free in the name of Jesus!
God did so so much for me on this Encounter. So much I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to have to add more and more here and there, every day let you in on something else the Lord has given BACK to me that the enemy had stolen.
But as for now, I'm watching Kung Fu Panda with my niece, Vivia, whom I am proud now, to be her aunt. I was always proud to be her aunt, but now... I'm an aunt I'm proud for her to look up to. I'm giving her something to look up to. Praise Jesus. I'm in love with you.
Amen.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Out of Commission for the Weekend
Hey everyonnneeee....
Just a head's up. I didn't fall off the planet (or worst yet, back into an old lifestyle) or anything, when you check back the next two days for posts from me and you don't see them. All it means is I'm away on MY ENCOUNTER! And God is busy ministering to my bumps and bruises (physically and emotionally!) The next post you'll see from me will be my amazing testimony I know I'm going to have from it.
If you're reading this and want to hear my testimony yourself, in person, feel free to come out to Northwest Community Church on Sunday at 11a. It's on the corner of Clarcona-Ocoee and Pine Hills Rd. Check out the website for the actual address: http://www.GoNorthwest.cc/
For those of you that already know you'll be there on Sunday to hear it, I ask that you be praying for me that God does a miracle in me both emotionally and physically this weekend. I appreciate your prayers because I know they are powerful. A single prayer moves God.
Can you tell I'm excited? Can you tell I'm nervous? Here we go. Both my feet are about to jump in... It's about time...
Until Monday Morning! (Or Sunday Night)
xoxo.
Just a head's up. I didn't fall off the planet (or worst yet, back into an old lifestyle) or anything, when you check back the next two days for posts from me and you don't see them. All it means is I'm away on MY ENCOUNTER! And God is busy ministering to my bumps and bruises (physically and emotionally!) The next post you'll see from me will be my amazing testimony I know I'm going to have from it.
If you're reading this and want to hear my testimony yourself, in person, feel free to come out to Northwest Community Church on Sunday at 11a. It's on the corner of Clarcona-Ocoee and Pine Hills Rd. Check out the website for the actual address: http://www.GoNorthwest.cc/
For those of you that already know you'll be there on Sunday to hear it, I ask that you be praying for me that God does a miracle in me both emotionally and physically this weekend. I appreciate your prayers because I know they are powerful. A single prayer moves God.
Can you tell I'm excited? Can you tell I'm nervous? Here we go. Both my feet are about to jump in... It's about time...
Until Monday Morning! (Or Sunday Night)
xoxo.
Acts 10.33-48
"Act 10:33 So I sent for you at once, and you have been kind enough to come. Now therefore we are all here in the presence of God to hear all that you have been commanded by the Lord."
Act 10:34 So Peter opened his mouth and said: "Truly I understand that God shows no partiality,
Act 10:35 but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him.
Act 10:36 As for the word that he sent to Israel, preaching good news of peace through Jesus Christ (he is Lord of all),
Act 10:37 you yourselves know what happened throughout all Judea, beginning from Galilee after the baptism that John proclaimed:
Act 10:38 how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power. He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with him.
Act 10:39 And we are witnesses of all that he did both in the country of the Jews and in Jerusalem. They put him to death by hanging him on a tree,
Act 10:40 but God raised him on the third day and made him to appear,
Act 10:41 not to all the people but to us who had been chosen by God as witnesses, who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead.
Act 10:42 And he commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one appointed by God to be judge of the living and the dead.
Act 10:43 To him all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."
Act 10:44 While Peter was still saying these things, the Holy Spirit fell on all who heard the word.
Act 10:45 And the believers from among the circumcised who had come with Peter were amazed, because the gift of the Holy Spirit was poured out even on the Gentiles.
Act 10:46 For they were hearing them speaking in tongues and extolling God. Then Peter declared,
Act 10:47 "Can anyone withhold water for baptizing these people, who have received the Holy Spirit just as we have?"
Act 10:48 And he commanded them to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. Then they asked him to remain for some days."
(Portrait belongs to zemotion.net)
(Portrait belongs to zemotion.net)
My soul longs for you, my soul longs for you, nothing else will do, nothing else will do...
Now I'm starting to feel excited. AJLSKJFKSJFKJSDKFJSNFJSNHFHSFIH!!!
And I have nothing else to SAY... Only left to FEEL... And I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go...
I love you, Jesus.
Amen!
Act 10:34 So Peter opened his mouth and said: "Truly I understand that God shows no partiality,
Act 10:35 but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him.
Act 10:36 As for the word that he sent to Israel, preaching good news of peace through Jesus Christ (he is Lord of all),
Act 10:37 you yourselves know what happened throughout all Judea, beginning from Galilee after the baptism that John proclaimed:
Act 10:38 how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power. He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with him.
Act 10:39 And we are witnesses of all that he did both in the country of the Jews and in Jerusalem. They put him to death by hanging him on a tree,
Act 10:40 but God raised him on the third day and made him to appear,
Act 10:41 not to all the people but to us who had been chosen by God as witnesses, who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead.
Act 10:42 And he commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one appointed by God to be judge of the living and the dead.
Act 10:43 To him all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."
Act 10:44 While Peter was still saying these things, the Holy Spirit fell on all who heard the word.
Act 10:45 And the believers from among the circumcised who had come with Peter were amazed, because the gift of the Holy Spirit was poured out even on the Gentiles.
Act 10:46 For they were hearing them speaking in tongues and extolling God. Then Peter declared,
Act 10:47 "Can anyone withhold water for baptizing these people, who have received the Holy Spirit just as we have?"
Act 10:48 And he commanded them to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. Then they asked him to remain for some days."
(Portrait belongs to zemotion.net)This is so good, I don't even know where to start. I don't even know what words to use to describe and explain what I'm feeling.
"While Peter was still saying these things, the Holy Spirit fell on all who heard the word. " -Acts 10.44
The best way to describe what I'm feeling is to show you...
(Portrait belongs to zemotion.net)Holy Spirit, I have missed you so much I'm on the verge of tears as I grow closer and closer to being fully restored to you. You were my favorite part of my Christian walk. You were my best friend. I ask for FULL restoration to you, Holy Spirit, on this Encounter that starts tonight. I want to go above and beyond where I've been before...
Gosh, the first portrait above is called "Before The Storm"... as I've stated before, that's exactly how I feel and what it feels like to me to be waiting for this Encounter. A much needed rain. And God, being awesome like he is, just so happens to pull all the strings together as I sit here. I'm listening to Misty Edwards, "My Soul Longs For You" (this song? AMAZING. You can check it out on her myspace. http://www.myspace.com/mistyedwards ) And the lyrics of this song are the same over and over. Three parts. "My Soul longs for You, My Soul longs for You, Nothing else will do, Nothing else will do..." and "I believe that You will come... Like the rain... I believe that You will come.... Like the rain..." and "You'll come like the rain. You'll come like the rain."
Does anyone else see how God creates an atmosphere of worship? Everything lines up perfectly. He's God. Of course it'd be perfect. The second portrait, called "Redemption" I see nothing but worship.
God, I want to worship you like a child as I once had before. Don't let me worry about what everyone else will think. Don't let me worry that they might be judging me. Holy Spirit, speak and minister to my heart that they AREN'T... No one is waiting to see me have a good time at church just so they can start talking. "You know what she's DONE? And she thinks she can just walk in here and worship God like that??" I know a lot of this will be dealt with starting tonight, but I just wanted to point it out, God, that I'd like it gone from my soul. No longer will it eat away at me.
My soul longs for you, my soul longs for you, nothing else will do, nothing else will do...
Now I'm starting to feel excited. AJLSKJFKSJFKJSDKFJSNFJSNHFHSFIH!!!
And I have nothing else to SAY... Only left to FEEL... And I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go...
I love you, Jesus.
Amen!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Hell Hath No Fury...
It's been about two years now since I had a music project going on with a good friend of mine named Drew Harris. We were called Sonusception and we made music babies. We made your ears bleed daisies. (Inside jokes, I apologize.) Anyhow, I find myself, still, some two years later, listening to the songs we had made together. Drew did all the programing and composition of the music. I wrote all the lyrics and the melodies to the songs and I sang them.
Anyhow, all that to say, I wrote a song during that time (one of the two that had gotten recorded fully). It was called Hell Hath No Fury. It was a song written for what I was going through at that time. If anyone is quick enough to do the math, this was nearly two years ago... so was something else in my past (for those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, hang in there! Keep checking back, especially after I've been on my Encounter and it will all be made clear). Read these words to my song before I continue any further:
I feel like a pharaoh
Hidden underneath a pyramid
And like a raider
You discovered my buried treasures
And you took what you wanted
And left the rest
For the snakes and the bugs
The snakes and the bugs
[chorus]
And you don't have a part
Or a piece
Of this broken heart
'Cause now it's mending
The scars are thick
Making it
So I don't need
What would ultimately get the best of me
That which nourished me
Destroyed me
It's a bad taste in my mouth
And like a baby
I swallowed it down
Thinking nothing else existed
But now I know
Now I know
I've realized the depth of the world
And it's much bigger than you
Quite bluntly
Nothing I need to be
Is found in what you are
[chorus]
And you don't have a part
Or a piece
Of this broken heart
'Cause now it's mending
The scars are thick
Making it
So I don't need
What would ultimately get the best of me
That which nourished me
Destroyed me
You had no mercy on me
And I'll have no mercy on you...
It's insane, really. Even I'm dumbfounded by the lyrics that I wrote. It was a perfect interpretation of what I was going through, what I was feeling toward a "certain person". We were just talking about something similar to this the other day how inspiration always comes from somewhere. Either from God or from the enemy. And yes, it could be an amazing song, invention, piece of art, whatever, but it's not always inspired from God... I was definitely not in a Godly place in my life when I wrote this song.
But what I find even more astounding is as I sit here, still listening to this song I'd written... The Holy Spirit spoke to me. "Des..." he said, "You know... this sounds a lot like a spiritual warfare song... I make all things new. I use your past for my glory." I had to do a double take and think about that for a second. I went back, restarted the song, read over the lyrics in my head as it played and the more I listened to it, the more it was making sense as a spiritual warfare song. It's a song of testimony, yes. But it's a song of hope. A song of encouragement. A song to pump you up against the attacks of the enemy, make you aware of them.
To understand this further, you're just going to have to LISTEN to the song, yourself. It's pretty passionate. Go to: http://www.MySpace.com/Sonusception and it's the song entitled "Hell Hath No Fury". The other one, "Maps", is a song that was written to my future husband. Where ever and whenever he is. That's a good one too but not the topic of interest at the moment.
Anyhow, I had to take the time to sit here and write about this revelation that God has given me. I have every intention of adapting the song to my guitar so I can play it whenever I want. Lord, please give me the inspiration to translate this song to glorify your name. I thank you that you make all things new. You are fresh. You are relevant. You are awesome and I love you.
Encounter starts tomorrow, people! -bites nails out of excitement-
xoxo.
Anyhow, all that to say, I wrote a song during that time (one of the two that had gotten recorded fully). It was called Hell Hath No Fury. It was a song written for what I was going through at that time. If anyone is quick enough to do the math, this was nearly two years ago... so was something else in my past (for those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, hang in there! Keep checking back, especially after I've been on my Encounter and it will all be made clear). Read these words to my song before I continue any further:
I feel like a pharaoh
Hidden underneath a pyramid
And like a raider
You discovered my buried treasures
And you took what you wanted
And left the rest
For the snakes and the bugs
The snakes and the bugs
[chorus]
And you don't have a part
Or a piece
Of this broken heart
'Cause now it's mending
The scars are thick
Making it
So I don't need
What would ultimately get the best of me
That which nourished me
Destroyed me
It's a bad taste in my mouth
And like a baby
I swallowed it down
Thinking nothing else existed
But now I know
Now I know
I've realized the depth of the world
And it's much bigger than you
Quite bluntly
Nothing I need to be
Is found in what you are
[chorus]
And you don't have a part
Or a piece
Of this broken heart
'Cause now it's mending
The scars are thick
Making it
So I don't need
What would ultimately get the best of me
That which nourished me
Destroyed me
You had no mercy on me
And I'll have no mercy on you...
It's insane, really. Even I'm dumbfounded by the lyrics that I wrote. It was a perfect interpretation of what I was going through, what I was feeling toward a "certain person". We were just talking about something similar to this the other day how inspiration always comes from somewhere. Either from God or from the enemy. And yes, it could be an amazing song, invention, piece of art, whatever, but it's not always inspired from God... I was definitely not in a Godly place in my life when I wrote this song.
But what I find even more astounding is as I sit here, still listening to this song I'd written... The Holy Spirit spoke to me. "Des..." he said, "You know... this sounds a lot like a spiritual warfare song... I make all things new. I use your past for my glory." I had to do a double take and think about that for a second. I went back, restarted the song, read over the lyrics in my head as it played and the more I listened to it, the more it was making sense as a spiritual warfare song. It's a song of testimony, yes. But it's a song of hope. A song of encouragement. A song to pump you up against the attacks of the enemy, make you aware of them.
To understand this further, you're just going to have to LISTEN to the song, yourself. It's pretty passionate. Go to: http://www.MySpace.com/Sonusception and it's the song entitled "Hell Hath No Fury". The other one, "Maps", is a song that was written to my future husband. Where ever and whenever he is. That's a good one too but not the topic of interest at the moment.
Anyhow, I had to take the time to sit here and write about this revelation that God has given me. I have every intention of adapting the song to my guitar so I can play it whenever I want. Lord, please give me the inspiration to translate this song to glorify your name. I thank you that you make all things new. You are fresh. You are relevant. You are awesome and I love you.
Encounter starts tomorrow, people! -bites nails out of excitement-
xoxo.
Psalms 139
"Psa 139:1 To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
Psa 139:2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
Psa 139:3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Psa 139:4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
Psa 139:5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Psa 139:6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Psa 139:7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
Psa 139:8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
Psa 139:9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Psa 139:10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
Psa 139:11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,"
Psa 139:12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
Psa 139:13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Psa 139:15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Psa 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Psa 139:17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Psa 139:18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
Psa 139:19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me!
Psa 139:20 They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain!
Psa 139:21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
Psa 139:22 I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
Psa 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
Psa 139:24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! "
Oh gosh. So good. SO GOOD...
This is a portrait drawn by an artist named Sylvie Reuter. This particular piece is called "Incomplete" and I've felt this way my whole life. I can just imagine the girl in the portrait saying, "If only I had hands..." or "I don't get it. Something is missing..." I'm sure the whole not-having-hands thing has effected her her whole life as well.
"Annalee! Wanna go get our nails done, today! Oh wait-"
"Annalee! Can you hold this for me- Oh... nevermind."
"Annalee! Look at my hands! THIS is what your arms should look like!"
Psa 139:2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
Psa 139:3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Psa 139:4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
Psa 139:5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Psa 139:6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Psa 139:7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
Psa 139:8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
Psa 139:9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Psa 139:10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
Psa 139:11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,"
Psa 139:12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
Psa 139:13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Psa 139:15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Psa 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Psa 139:17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Psa 139:18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
Psa 139:19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me!
Psa 139:20 They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain!
Psa 139:21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
Psa 139:22 I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
Psa 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
Psa 139:24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! "
Oh gosh. So good. SO GOOD...
This is a portrait drawn by an artist named Sylvie Reuter. This particular piece is called "Incomplete" and I've felt this way my whole life. I can just imagine the girl in the portrait saying, "If only I had hands..." or "I don't get it. Something is missing..." I'm sure the whole not-having-hands thing has effected her her whole life as well.
"Annalee! Wanna go get our nails done, today! Oh wait-"
"Annalee! Can you hold this for me- Oh... nevermind."
"Annalee! Look at my hands! THIS is what your arms should look like!"
Self-Image is such a funny thing. For some, anyway. Some people grow up in a family with a father, where they hear all the time "You're beautiful! You look so lovely today! I'm so proud of you!" But then there's those of us that didn't. Horray. Congratulations! You get to spend the rest of your life worrying whether or not we're good enough! I used to hate my nose. I always thought it was too big for my face. And before that? My ears. Why did I have to have such big ears? And for a while? My freckles. (Seriously!? Sadly, yes...) Freckles meant my skin wasn't perfect. I compared myself to my sister, Freedom for the longest time. (YES her name is Freedom... And thus began my comparison) Her name was cooler. She was gorgeous. She was strong. She was smart. She got to do all these awesome things in her life. I used to think for the longest time that since she was the first born, she got the best, and since I was the last born, I got the rest. I tried to fight these thoughts in my own strength for the longest time. I even wrote a song when I was in the ninth grade:
"What is perfect anyway?
If you looked it up, what does it say?
Is your picture beside the word?
I didn't think so, but I'm sure you'd want it to..."
But those small thoughts always came crawling back to me. "Your nose is too big.You're too short! No one will love someone as average as you! Those are some ugly hands... but atleast you have cute toes. You're not that pretty. Well all right... You're sort of pretty, but to say beautiful is a stretch..."
It's been more of an issue than most people care to admit. Why? Well my opinion is, they've grown so accustomed to hearing these things that they don't realize it's even a problem. They've accepted it as a truth- as a part of their being. I know I did. I know I still do, but I'm fighting it. Here's what I'm learning...
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." -Psalms 139.13-14
Just STOP comparing myself to my sister! Stop comparing myself to who I see on television, in magazines. There is no such thing as perfect. Only Jesus was perfect. THAT'S who I'll strive to be like. (Not physically of course, not only do we not know what he looked like, but he was also a man and I am incapable of growing a beard. My apologies.)
It says right there, in God's word... That I was knitted together in my mother's womb. God was quick at work once I was conceived. My mother didn't know I was there before God did. It says right there, in God's word... I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I can just imagine, when I read this, that God's sitting up there at an operation table with all these precision tools, his tongue bitten between his teeth as he moves in slowly to place a hair on my head. THAT'S the image I get of God when I hear that I am Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.
When I give into those thoughts of doubt, of low self-esteem, I'm denying the power of God. It's as if I'm spitting in his face. "You're not good enough for me, Lord. You call THIS beautiful??" Yes. He does. Which is why I should see it the way he does, too. If he created the entire universe and everything in it, don't you think HE, above anyone else, would know the true definition of what beauty is? He created beauty. Do you get it yet?? It's funny, I used to have this theory that I could see beauty in ANYONE. Bring me what you thought was "the ugliest person" and I'd point out what was beautiful about them. EVERYONE had beauty to them... But not me. When it came to me, I'd pass the torch, change the subject, anything to take the attention off of me. What a load of crap.
My heart, Lord, is to pinpoint where these thoughts come from. Help me on this Encounter this weekend to be rid of these thoughts once and for all. I KNOW I'M BEAUTIFUL... because YOU created me. Let me live THERE... I don't want to live in the thoughts I've been listening to my whole life. I want to live in YOUR presence. In YOUR truth. In YOUR thoughts... Jesus, your cross was enough... it IS enough. I accept what you've done for me, as well as the responsibility that comes with it. Make me a new creation in YOU... I want the old to be completely gone. The new is here and ready to be molded like clay into what YOU think is beautiful and worthy. Your way, Lord. Not mine. Holy Spirit, hang out with me today as I get prepared and packed up for the Encounter tomorrow. I love you. Thank you for your revelations. I love you.
Amen.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
It's Happening...
I had a long day. It started at 7a this morning. I did my devos, got in a freezing car like a seven-layer burrito, drove to college park just to trade in my freezing car for Tracey's with a heater. We cleaned a woman's house... I walk in, she was talking to Tracey. Small talk. Nothing fantastic that I had no place of being there. I take a seat and wait for them to finish so Tracey can tell me what to start cleaning. The woman stopped Tracey mid-sentence and looked over at me.
"You're sitting," she said.
"...Oh... Do you not want me sitting?" I ask.
"You come into my house, have some coffee, then you sit," she responds. In sarcasm?
I look at her confused but stand to my feet.
"...Um, Okay. Sorry for sitting..." I mumble and leave the room.
I had to forgive the woman for being a bitch to me. Excuse me. For being rude. No. I'm sorry. Bitch is the right word.
I went into her dining room and took a seat on the floor, looked out the window, and said out loud to God in a murmur,"Come on, God... You know that was funny..."
I walk on eggshells the rest of our duration.
We go back to Tracey's to eat some lunch. Spaghetti.
We go to Peter and Crystal Brunton's house to clean. It took us three and a half hours. I actually had fun there.
I just found it interesting how your environment effects your mood. In the first house, I had my i-pod plugged into my ears so I didn't have to think about how ridiculous my morning with the woman started out. At the Brunton's, I didn't even pull out my i-pod. I was completely, one hundred percent content with cleaning in silence. I'm sure that has some spiritual attachment to it.
Anyhow, we went back to Tracey's, but not before making a calorie binge stop at McDonald's. Mmmm nuggets. I felt sick after.
Tried to take a nap. An hour. I don't remember actually falling asleep. My mind was racing. The Encounter. My testimony I'll be giving. It's a goal I'd set for myself months ago, a certain something specific I wanted to do when I first moved back to Orlando from Tampa in August. I can't go too deep into that until I actually do it, but rest assured you'll hear more about it and how it went. Just know it's big. It's HUGE. It stabs pride right in the guttural.
I had cell group tonight. Tracey spoke on the cross (which was further teachings from this past Sunday's sermon). Anytime the cross is preached, if you're heart is open to receiving, you will receive a revelation. And I did. A new one. I thought after seeing the Passion of the Christ so many times I couldn't cry over it anymore. That was proven wrong tonight. I guess it's the condition of your heart whether or not you'll cry every time and not grow callused to it.
But I'll tell you what. God spoke to me tonight. Clear as day.
It was the point in the film where whoever he was was taunting Jesus on the cross, saying, "You claim you can destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days..." I immediately had to pull open my journal and write it down... As I've written in past blogs thus far... there's a lot of things I'm hoping for God to come through for me for at this Encounter. Healings. God said to me:
"You know, Des... The Encounter is three days... Your body is a temple... I'm going to tear down the temple and rebuild it..."
I got chills. I told Tracey. She got chills. A NEW TEMPLE! This means so much more than I'm willing to share at the moment to the virtual web. A handful of people REALLY get the FULL understanding of what this means to me! I'm not afraid anymore. I'm excited!
But I am tired, as well... and I feel like I'm babbling on.
Until tomorrow morning-
gnight.
Oh and check out Kendall Payne. She's pretty great.
"You're sitting," she said.
"...Oh... Do you not want me sitting?" I ask.
"You come into my house, have some coffee, then you sit," she responds. In sarcasm?
I look at her confused but stand to my feet.
"...Um, Okay. Sorry for sitting..." I mumble and leave the room.
I had to forgive the woman for being a bitch to me. Excuse me. For being rude. No. I'm sorry. Bitch is the right word.
I went into her dining room and took a seat on the floor, looked out the window, and said out loud to God in a murmur,"Come on, God... You know that was funny..."
I walk on eggshells the rest of our duration.
We go back to Tracey's to eat some lunch. Spaghetti.
We go to Peter and Crystal Brunton's house to clean. It took us three and a half hours. I actually had fun there.
I just found it interesting how your environment effects your mood. In the first house, I had my i-pod plugged into my ears so I didn't have to think about how ridiculous my morning with the woman started out. At the Brunton's, I didn't even pull out my i-pod. I was completely, one hundred percent content with cleaning in silence. I'm sure that has some spiritual attachment to it.
Anyhow, we went back to Tracey's, but not before making a calorie binge stop at McDonald's. Mmmm nuggets. I felt sick after.
Tried to take a nap. An hour. I don't remember actually falling asleep. My mind was racing. The Encounter. My testimony I'll be giving. It's a goal I'd set for myself months ago, a certain something specific I wanted to do when I first moved back to Orlando from Tampa in August. I can't go too deep into that until I actually do it, but rest assured you'll hear more about it and how it went. Just know it's big. It's HUGE. It stabs pride right in the guttural.
I had cell group tonight. Tracey spoke on the cross (which was further teachings from this past Sunday's sermon). Anytime the cross is preached, if you're heart is open to receiving, you will receive a revelation. And I did. A new one. I thought after seeing the Passion of the Christ so many times I couldn't cry over it anymore. That was proven wrong tonight. I guess it's the condition of your heart whether or not you'll cry every time and not grow callused to it.
But I'll tell you what. God spoke to me tonight. Clear as day.
It was the point in the film where whoever he was was taunting Jesus on the cross, saying, "You claim you can destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days..." I immediately had to pull open my journal and write it down... As I've written in past blogs thus far... there's a lot of things I'm hoping for God to come through for me for at this Encounter. Healings. God said to me:
"You know, Des... The Encounter is three days... Your body is a temple... I'm going to tear down the temple and rebuild it..."
I got chills. I told Tracey. She got chills. A NEW TEMPLE! This means so much more than I'm willing to share at the moment to the virtual web. A handful of people REALLY get the FULL understanding of what this means to me! I'm not afraid anymore. I'm excited!
But I am tired, as well... and I feel like I'm babbling on.
Until tomorrow morning-
gnight.
Oh and check out Kendall Payne. She's pretty great.
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