Unrealized Fear...

Today I faced a fear I didn't even realize I still had... That's right... Taxidermy.

When I was younger, I have a distinct memory of taking a hike in the desert with an uncle (don't remember which) and a cousin (don't remember which), and we ended up getting lost... in the desert... So we climbed up a plateau and looked over the desert in every which direction until we saw in the distance a large tepee. "We'll go in there and make a phone call for someone to come get us," my uncle said. We agreed like good little girls and followed him, even further... in the hot desert... toward a tepee. (Sounds like some sort of bad dream, doesn't it? >.<) Turns out this tepee was a souvenir shop on one of the many random deserted desert roads. As we walked in, I remember looking up, and hanging from the center wall that you had to walk under in order to get INTO the shop... was a GIANT buffalo head... And I just remember being so scared that this thing was going to come to life and eat me. Strange, I know! I always remembered thinking back on that memory and laughing. I'd think to myself, "That's so silly! I was young, though. What did I know?"





And then I helped Tracey clean this house today:





































And let me tell you... I realized REAL quick that fear is still there. I don't know WHAT happened to me when I was younger, if the fear crept in during that fateful hike, or if there's another memory that I blocked out of a sibling chasing after me with a taxidermy- I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm still pretty terrified of them. When I was taking the first photo posted (with the bear) I was terrified to turn my back to a bear! AND to make matters worse, Tracey, in that moment, dragged the vacuum across the upstairs floor which sounded very eerily like a growl. My heart jumped. I jumped and turned around, thinking it was about to eat me. What is it with thinking they want to eat me!?

I have no Godly word to put on this fear, because I think it's ridiculous. So does anyone have any words of encouragement for me in this hilarious struggle I'm going through? I'd appreciate it.

Ephesians 6.10-18- Day of Peace

"10-12And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.
13-18Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out. "

I don't know anything about this drawing. I just found it. If anyone has any info please leave a comment so I can put credit where it's due. Thanks!

Or in the words of Aslinn during my encounter, "We're not to THUMB WRESTLE the powers and principalities of evil!" hahah. >.<

This is good. This is so good. Because that's the bottom line, whether anyone wants to admit it or not, we are all in a battle. An Epic Movie. Good versus Evil. Only it's more awesome than any movie because it's real. We, who are with Jesus already have the victory because the enemy was already defeated when Jesus died on the cross. All we have to do is stand our ground and God fights our battles for us. Pray hard and long, and God does the warfare for us. That's pretty amazing. It sounds love, to me. Who else do you know that would take a wound for you?

Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. It says to learn to apply them. Truth combats the lies, righteousness combats the condemnation, peace combats the stress, fear, anxiety, salvation combats the enemy. The Word of God also combats the lies. Why? His word is truth. It IS truth, just as God IS love... another one of those things you don't fully understand, you just choose to believe it because we'll never understand it. We're human. He's God.

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for the friendly reminder that we are still, always in a battle, but not against any person. Not against any human, but against the powers and principalities of the enemy in the spiritual world. I thank you that I'm not a severely wounded soldier anymore. (I may still have a few band aids but in your timing I'll be perfectly fit for battle yet again.) I thank you that it doesn't all fall on me, and that you are right there fighting FOR me.

I pray for the boldness and the fire of the holy spirit to come each time I open my mouth to pray. EACH time I open my mouth to pray, Jesus. Lord, help be to get creative in ways to always have this truth in the forefront of my mind.

I speak blessings over my family, over my leader, over her leader, and over HER leader in the name of Jesus. I speak blessings today, in the name of Jesus. May they all be blessed abundantly with your spirit and your love and your provision. I ask for the same for me, Jesus. Hang around today, Holy Spirit. I want you to never leave my side. May I always know that you are there.

Today is the day of Peace. I thank you for that Jesus. May peace cover me from head to toe. I love you with a deep sort of love that I can't explain.

Amen.

New Design!

Hello, anyone reading!

I'm excited. I redesigned my blog and I really like it. There's a REASON there's three hearts up there on my template! Tehehe -giggles like a little girl-. It sure is fun keeping secrets with Jesus!

Anyway, that's all. See yall in the morning!

xoxo.

My Baptism!

I got baptized yesterday at church. It was awesome. It was really a re-baptism, but in all honesty, I see it as my first. Before, I just didn't get it, but I did it out of faith. That's a lot of my past Christian walk- not getting it but doing it out of faith. I really feel that my time away taught me a lot about life, about the world, about a life without God. And I've realized that I don't want it. Not only do I not want it, but I realized I desperately need a life with Jesus. I used to think about how cheesie all that sounded when I was living in the world. And I tried to figure out why. Plain and simple, I didn't have a revelation of the cross. I didn't fully understand his love. (I STILL don't to an extent. It's so much, so big, so amazing that my puny human head can't wrap around the idea of he IS love. I don't think we're supposed to ever understand it fully, just trust it.) But I'll tell you this:

I've never felt a love like this before. No parent, no sibling, no friend, no man can compare to the love that I feel from Jesus. None. Not even close. And I KNOW my mom loves me, I KNOW my sisters and my brother and my nieces and nephews love me, I KNOW my friends love me, I KNOW there's a man I'll marry one day (SOON in the name of Jesus! >.< haha) who will love me... but nothing compares.

He's really showing himself to me as my father, and at the same time as my lover, one that is enamoured with me. He desires MY heart. He is a fiercely jealous lover. And I LOVE that about him!

Anyhow, all that to say (and it was a complete tangent away from my baptism) I'm finally feeling at home again, I'm feeling at peace with myself, I'm feeling the love of a father I never had, I'm feeling the overpowering love of a lover I've never had, and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

Praise Jesus for the victories in my life! Praise Jesus for the love he's showing me! Praise Jesus for everything because he deserves everything! haha.

"Anatomy of a Heart" -Desiree R. Goguen

I drew this when I was living with a boyfriend and it came from my heart. There was no reason to draw it other than I needed to get an emotion out. It was pain. It was loneliness. It was heartache. I mean, it couldn't have been heartache from any physical person, like I said, I was living with my boyfriend and we weren't having any issues. But my heart knew it was lonely. It knew what I was doing was wrong. It knew this guy wasn't the guy I was supposed to be with. It knew what it was missing. It knew who's love it was missing and the drawing was exactly how I was feeling. I was beside myself. I was literally beside myself- my heart was myself, my self, my true, my real self... and I was beside it, hanging by strings and tied upside down, my eyes covered in shame. It's crazy because none of this came to me until after I had drawn it, even after that. Not until now... not until my heart was back where it belonged. Inside of me.

I guess it's time to draw a new one, hm? :)

James 4.1-12

"1-2Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.
2-3You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.
4-6You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."
7-10So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.
11-12Don't bad-mouth each other, friends. It's God's Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk. You're supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it. God is in charge of deciding human destiny. Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others?"

This is another circumstance, yet again, where I prayed before opening the word, and this is what it came to. Clear and right in front of my face without seeking out any sort of word from him, this is what he gave me.

God continues to blow me away.

I really feel I am not supposed to write much this morning about it, and just let his word stand for what it is... truth. Always truth.

Lord,
Thank you that your word is true, your word, I can trust. Thank you that it's not just mine, but it's for all who willfully come to know you. Thank you that you rebuke with a kind heart of love. Forgive me for my past transgressions against you. I have hit rock bottom, and now I'm getting serious, really serious. Holy Spirit, remain with me today. I ask for endurance and strength and wisdom to get through all the difficult tasks I have in front of me. Each and every one of them. Thank you for your Cross. Without it, I'd be destined to a horrible death at this point due to the things I'd chosen to do, the way I'd chosen to live my life up to this point. But your cross brings grace, love, forgiveness, redemption. I love you with my whole heart. I love that you are a fiercely jealous lover. May I never break your heart again. I love you.

Amen.


http://www.biblegateway.com/

Go Ahead And Deny Me: Philipians 4.1-9

"1 My dear, dear friends! I love you so much. I do want the very best for you. You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride. Don't waver. Stay on track, steady in God.
Pray About Everything 2I urge Euodia and Syntyche to iron out their differences and make up. God doesn't want his children holding grudges.
3And, oh, yes, Syzygus, since you're right there to help them work things out, do your best with them. These women worked for the Message hand in hand with Clement and me, and with the other veterans—worked as hard as any of us. Remember, their names are also in the Book of Life.
4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. "



MAN I love the Message version! The verbiage is so so good!



Anyhow, this is, once again, perfect and exactly what I needed to read this morning. I'm going to be so bold as to mention something here, without any names, but just something I'm going through and that God is showing me, and not worry or fear that a certain someone or few might read this and get offended. The truth is I've chosen my path and guess what, everyone... It's going to offend a lot of people. Why? Because when the truth is spoken, it forces one to put their spirit in check and if the feeling they get from that is a tinge of- dare I say- uncomfortably- most try to rationalize to figure out why, and instead of addressing the issue at hand, they place the blame on the person speaking the truth. So here it is, in it's rawest (as possible) form:



I've been having a bit of an issue lately. With what? Well... with friends. And it's blatantly obvious to me what is going on in the Spiritual realm. The spirit in them REAAAALLLLY doesn't like the Spirit that's now in me. So as I've said before, when truth is spoken and uncomfortably hits, they have a choice to make. Either face it head on and tackle it like a bull, or create an offense against it (or the person, aka me) so they don't have to deal with the real TRUTH at hand.



These people who I've always considered my best friends... I'm seeing now that's not the case. And no, they haven't been replaced with a "new best friend" so they no longer hold their place, or anything like that. It's more like... My standards for what a friend is and how their supposed to act has been revitalized, the dust has been wiped off the windows, and now I see everything

clearly: They were the old Desiree's best friends. Allow me to explain even further.



I have always felt that I go out of my way time and time again, more often than not, when a friend is in need. I will drive the hour it takes to get to their house just because they've called and said "I'm bored, can you come over?" I will spend day after day with them when something important is coming up in their lives and I will be with them to encourage, keep excited, remind, everything I believe a friend is to do for a friend. But then the day comes when it's my turn. I am the one who has something very important come up in my life. Probably the most important thing that will ever happen... I receive a true revelation of the Cross of Christ. I ask for nothing more than my friends to come take part in this joyous day with me, the day I get off of the Encounter and I share my testimony... None show up. I offer up another chance, the important day I get baptized (today by the way)... And my friends either don't respond back to me at all, or suddenly respond back with hateful words, turning our friendship into a contest-"Well YOU never did THIS for me and YOU don't care about MY important day, and YOU, YOU, YOU-" And I would completely understand if these things were truth, but the truth of it is, they're absolutely not! So much so, in fact, that it hurt to hear my "best friend" say these things about me when I've done nothing but try to be at her side when I physically can, and even when I can't physically, I let her know that I'm there for her emotionally if she needs someone to talk to.



It's like, for one second, could you not think of yourself- and realize that your way of thinking is damaging to a friendship that means a lot to the both of us? For a single second could you look this whole situation in the face and realize, and be honest with yourself that you expect this amazing friendship out of me, but you never offer it in return?



And then I finally realized... These people are not to be my best friends any longer. The new Desiree has chosen her path, the new Desiree sees it clearly with no more dust in the windows, the new Desiree will not waver on the things that are most important, and quite frankly, the new Desiree says "Either you're with me or you're against me, but if you're against me, I've got no time for it. I'll always be your friend, I'll always be there for you if you need me, I'll always be praying for you, but we can no longer reside together side by side. We're walking down two separate paths and I can't afford to let you tie me down. I can't afford to keep taking offense every time you don't give two shits what's going on in my life..." (excuse the bluntness, but it's the only way to get the point across the way it's meant to be understood) The new Desiree's real, true friends that care about her and want to REALLY see the best for her and are there in her triumphs to celebrate with her and are there in her failures to help her back up again- are her brothers and sisters in Christ. Those who have the Spirit understand the Spirit and respond to the Spirit. Those who have a different spirit see my Spirit and get offended, they pick up offenses as to why this, why that- They'll find any excuse and any reason to get away from the topic. They suddenly have all these plans when the last time you talked to them, they were bored out of their mind with nothing to do. They accuse you of shoving your church down their throat. "I'm sorry, and that's not what I'm doing, but how do you shut up about something that excites you?" I respond back, and all they have left to say is "I'm done talking to you tonight." And once again, something I was excited about was suddenly looked over and left on the side of the road for the snakes and the bugs. My dear, how many times did I have the chance to say, "If you do not stop talking about your wedding, I swear I'm going to..." or "I swear, if you do not stop shoving what your cute little puppy did today down my throat..." but did I EVER do that? No. Not once. Why? Because friends- REAL friends get excited with their friends... no matter how much they have to hear about it, over and over and over again, sometimes- a REAL friend is there to rejoice with you ....But I know what's important to me, and I can't let anything, or anyone continue to drag me down.





So it was great to read this, this morning. It was exactly what I needed to hear from my perfect Father. Don' waver, stay on track. Work out my differences with these "friends", don't hold grudges. Work out my differences in the sense of figuring out why it is that there are differences, and I've certainly done that. And I'll be honest, a grudge was forming against them. It was like "I don't understand! WHY are they suddenly being such SUCKY friends, when all I've ever offered is love and support and friendship back to them, always! I just don't get it!" But it's all now starting to make sense. I'm starting to understand, clear as day, what it is that's going on in the Spiritual. Clear and plain as day. There's no denying it. And I've chosen to take a stand.
They're not denying me, they're denying Christ IN me... and that's something I'm not going to get in the way of... I'll just continue to pray for them and let God sort them out as he sees fit.



Lord,

Please forgive me for the grudge what was beginning to form against the Old Desiree's friends. I pray for them, I pray that you bless them with your Holy Spirit and with their own revelations of the Cross. You know I don't want to lose them, I enjoy their company, but the New Desiree can't afford to keep them in her life if they're not willing to make some changes in theirs, put plain and simply. I come against that spirit of offense in the name of Jesus and speak your love on the situation, your peace, your understanding. I pray for my girls. I pray healing on them. I pray your spirit on them. I pray you reveal yourself to them in a new and fresh way and instead of feeling condemned, they feel peace, they feel Truth. Lord, I thank you that I don't need them at my "important days". If you're there, that's all I need. I ask you be with me this morning when I get baptized at church. I pray, holy spirit, you give me the right, short amount of words, to say that will speak directly to people's hearts as they watch. I thank you in advance for the victory already being mine, being ours. I praise your name. Thank you so much for your wide open arms ready to receive me back no matter what I've done, how long I did it, and my consequences for doing it. You are a good God. You are a great Daddy. You are my Daddy and I'm proud. I love you.

Amen.

Luke 17.31-33

New International Version:
"31On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. 32Remember Lot's wife! 33Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

Amplified Bible:
"31On that day let him who is on the housetop, with his belongings in the house, not come down [and go inside] to carry them away; and likewise let him who is in the field not turn back.
32Remember Lot's wife!
33Whoever tries to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve and quicken it."

New Living Translation:
"31 On that day a person out on the deck of a roof must not go down into the house to pack. A person out in the field must not return home. 32 Remember what happened to Lot’s wife! 33 If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it. "

The Message:
" 31-33"When the Day arrives and you're out working in the yard, don't run into the house to get anything. And if you're out in the field, don't go back and get your coat. Remember what happened to Lot's wife! If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms."

The Message is my favorite version of this passage. The Message is usually always my favorite. The translations always seem to hit home a little better than normal.

Anyhow, this is interesting. As most may know, but some don't, I'm going to dive into the story of Lot's wife for a moment. Lot was the nephew of Abraham, but Abraham took him in as a son. Lot never fully felt like a son, even though Abraham gave him anything and everything he'd ever asked for. Abraham eventually had to let Lot go. He had to release him from his authority, from his care, his blessing, his supervision, because Lot, no matter how much Abraham had wanted to take him in as a spiritual son, he just didn't get it! Well the land that Lot had taken from Abraham (he'd offered whatever land he wanted he could have) Lot chose the best of the best land (poverty mentality by the way, instead of picking the best land of POTENTIAL he picked what was already at it's best) Anyhow, all that to say, the land he'd chosen ended up being near Sodom (a land known for it's evil people and flagrant sinners against God). Lot eventually got sucked into it, started a family there, had a wife, so on so forth.

Well the time came when God was so fed up with Sodom that he was going to destroy it but Abraham pleaded with God, "Please, let me save my nephew Lot and his family." God finally agreed and sent angels to Lot and his family to tell them that the city was going to be burnt to a crisp so they fled but the rule was "Don't turn to look back, not even once..." Well... as they were leaving, Lot's wife turned around to look back at what she was leaving behind and she INSTANTLY turned to dust. She was destroyed...

So once again:
"Remember what happened to Lot's wife! If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms."

HERE'S the interesting part:
On the encounter, I got a word from Susan Burgoin. She'd said she really felt like God was telling her to tell me that anything I had physically from my past (ie: clothes, cds, books, anything) to "burn them", get rid of them, and more freedom will come to me.

Yesterday, when I was hanging out with Freedom, she told me the story of Lot and then said she'd received a word for me last Sunday (which is the same day that Susan had given me my word) that I needed to remember Lot's wife and don't look back. Do not look back at my past. Anything that I had that was any sort of attachment or memory from my past I needed to "burn it" get rid of it, give it away, whatever. Just don't keep it around anymore.

I saw that as a total sign from God. If he thought it important enough to tell me twice, through two different people, then it's something I MUST do. It's not an option. It's not a request. It's something that God has made it very clear to me that I need to do in order to receive a deeper level of freedom.

Lord,
I ask that you reveal anything and everything that I may have that could potentially be a memory or spiritual attachment to anyone or anything from my past. I know most of my stuff is in storage, but don't let that discourage me. Let me take control of the things that I DO have right here with me and get rid of them. I thank you that YOUR best interest in mind for me is to be free completely. Holy Spirit be with me today. Don't leave my side. I ask for the endurance to do what YOU have told me to do and I do not accept Laziness or Apathy, in the name of Jesus. I love you I love you I love you. Today is the day of OVERCOMING!

amen.