Pan's Labyrinth and Late Night Thoughts

Pan's Labyrinth sucks. It's such a great movie, hence why it sucks.

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out at the very ending of this movie and this is now the second time I've seen it and the second time I've cried my eyes out. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Are you going to see it as a fantasy movie, and you're thus excited for Ofelia in the end? Or do you see it as a historical fiction movie- and see that Ofelia was always living in a fantasy world, even to the day she died... I guess it has a lot to do with your own heart and the things you, yourself have been through to help dictate why you see it which way you see it. I can't help but see it the latter. Each time. Her life was so hard she chose to live in a fantasy world to get through the depression of it. I've been there before.

But for the first time, tonight, I saw it as a spiritual thing (go figure, my heart has grown more sensitive lately to the spiritual). I mean, HELLO?! A princess? Her final task was to shed her own blood instead of the blood of an innocent? Her father is a King? She finally got to sit at his side in their kingdom?

Anyhow, I don't know why I wrote this, just getting my random thoughts off my sleepy mind. Bye.

Acts 3.12-16

"12-16When Peter saw he had a congregation, he addressed the people:
"Oh, Israelites, why does this take you by such complete surprise, and why stare at us as if our power or piety made him walk? The God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, the God of our ancestors, has glorified his Son Jesus. The very One that Pilate called innocent, you repudiated. You repudiated the Holy One, the Just One, and asked for a murderer in his place. You no sooner killed the Author of Life than God raised him from the dead—and we're the witnesses. Faith in Jesus' name put this man, whose condition you know so well, on his feet—yes, faith and nothing but faith put this man healed and whole right before your eyes.
17-18"And now, friends, I know you had no idea what you were doing when you killed Jesus, and neither did your leaders. But God, who through the preaching of all the prophets had said all along that his Messiah would be killed, knew exactly what you were doing and used it to fulfill his plans.
19-23"Now it's time to change your ways! Turn to face God so he can wipe away your sins, pour out showers of blessing to refresh you, and send you the Messiah he prepared for you, namely, Jesus. For the time being he must remain out of sight in heaven until everything is restored to order again just the way God, through the preaching of his holy prophets of old, said it would be. Moses, for instance, said, 'Your God will raise up for you a prophet just like me from your family. Listen to every word he speaks to you. Every last living soul who refuses to listen to that prophet will be wiped out from the people.'
24-26"All the prophets from Samuel on down said the same thing, said most emphatically that these days would come. These prophets, along with the covenant God made with your ancestors, are your family tree. God's covenant-word to Abraham provides the text: 'By your offspring all the families of the earth will be blessed.' But you are first in line: God, having raised up his Son, sent him to bless you as you turn, one by one, from your evil ways." "


Okay! I few things!

I used to always struggle mentally with the idea of, "God loves all his children, even Judas, who betrayed him, but be used him to betray Jesus because SOMEONE needs to betray Jesus, so Judas just got the short straw? He's destined for hell because SOMEONE needed to betray Jesus? I don't get it! That's... not fair."

And it seems so simple, like I should KNOW this by now... but look at the way that The Message worded this"But God, who through the preaching of all the prophets had said all along that his Messiah would be killed, knew exactly what you were doing and used it to fulfill his plans." -Acts 3.18

HELLO!? DUH... He knew exactly what they were doing and used it to fulfill his plans! It wasn't prophesied that someone would betray Jesus because that's just the way it "needed to happen". No. It was the way it was GOING to happen, and God, who sees and knows all, told these secrets of the future to his disciples through Jesus, and the Prophets.

So in my head, it's not "poor ol' Judas" anymore. He wasn't chosen to betray Jesus. He was GOING to betray Jesus, and God just knew about it and informed Jesus before it happened. Thank you, Lord for that revelation! Now it makes sense and I don't have to worry about that weird feeling in my spirit when I think about Judas and Jesus.

You just don't get it until you get it.


And I also love this:

"Now it's time to change your ways! Turn to face God so he can wipe away your sins, pour out showers of blessing to refresh you, and send you the Messiah he prepared for you, namely, Jesus." -Acts 3.19

I don't think people fully FULLY understand the meaning of "wipe away your sins," or "pour out showers of blessing to refresh you." BAH! He totally wiped away MY sins... and with that the shame and guilt and pressure! ALL of it. I am now fully FULLY restored back to physical and emotional health! Absolutely!

THANK YOU JESUS!

Lord,

I ask for the blessings to follow. Not only because I want them, but I definitely need them. I specifically ask that you send me my perfect job, fit for me specifically, one that I will be happy and grow creatively in. I love that it's in your hands and I don't have to stress over it anymore. All I need to do is be open to receiving the wisdom I ask that you give! I ask for the income to be able to get a home of my own. I pray that you are already preparing the way for my perfect little home. I ask for endurance during my 6 month dating fast to die to those things that used to feed me (the habits I'd formed of seeking after approval of men, feeding my flesh with whatever, etc). I pray for the diligance to seek after YOU and what YOU think about me for the next 6 months, and I'm believing in faith you'll bring me who I'm supposed to be with when it's all said and done. I'm happy the blinders have been removed over my eyes and I can now see and get excited for what YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR ME! Holy Spirit, be with me today! Keep me warm in my heaterless car! I ask for your blessings today! I ask for quality time that's to be spent with Freedom, Vivia, Rio and my Auntie Gabrielle and Uncle Raymond. That even though I don't really know them that well, that you will bless our time together. I thank you that SOMEONE from my father's side is showing an interested in us Goguens. I pray that that speaks to my father in ways that words can't and it's the beginning of family restoration. I love you and praise you for being wonderfully YOU.

Amen.

Psalm 148

" 1-5 Hallelujah! Praise God from heaven,

praise him from the mountaintops;

Praise him, all you his angels,

praise him, all you his warriors,

Praise him, sun and moon,

praise him, you morning stars;

Praise him, high heaven,

praise him, heavenly rain clouds;

Praise, oh let them praise the name of God—

he spoke the word, and there they were!

6 He set them in place

from all time to eternity;

He gave his orders,

and that's it!

7-12 Praise God from earth,

you sea dragons, you fathomless ocean deeps;

Fire and hail, snow and ice,

hurricanes obeying his orders;

Mountains and all hills,

apple orchards and cedar forests;

Wild beasts and herds of cattle,

snakes, and birds in flight;

Earth's kings and all races,

leaders and important people,

Robust men and women in their prime,

and yes, graybeards and little children.

13-14 Let them praise the name of God—

it's the only Name worth praising.

His radiance exceeds anything in earth and sky;

he's built a monument—his very own people!

Praise from all who love God!

Israel's children, intimate friends of God.

Hallelujah! "

Praise Jesus. That's the only thing that can leave my lips in this moment. Praise Jesus. He is the reason for my deliverance. He is the reason I'm physically healed. Praise Jesus. He is the reason why I'm here, right here, at 7.20a, writing in a blog dedicated to seeking after God's own heart. He gave me a new heart. Praise Jesus. He took away my baggage. He traded it for the Holy Spirit, my best friend. Praise Jesus. He is the reason I have a testimony instead of just a ruptured past. Praise Jesus. He is the reason I have hope and peace about all my situations I'm in. Praise Jesus.

Jesus, I love you so much. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins... For MY sins. I thank you that you proved to me with such love... that I was never too far away from you, no matter what I'd done, you were ALWAYS there to welcome me back. You're pretty amazing. Even though I felt shamed and as if I couldn't return to you ever again because of what I'd done, the things I'd been through that made me feel dirty and undeserving of you. Thank you that you still spoke to me and told me I could return. I love you. I am in love with you.

Holy Spirit, please be with me all day today as I clean some more houses (yay...). I ask for joy in doing so, regardless of how messy it might be before, and I ask for the diligence to keep at it until it is fully clean. Holy Spirit, warm me on this cold cold day with no heater in my car. I'll bundle up, but please supernaturally keep me warm. Or miraculously fix my heater. Haha. Either way, I'm happy.

I name my day, today a day of Praise for Jesus. Lord, may nothing negative leave my lips today.

I love you I love you I love you.

amen.

Tracey's Word for Me!

"16-21This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
they lie down and then can't get up;
they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
rivers in the badlands.
Wild animals will say 'Thank you!'
—the coyotes and the buzzards—
Because I provided water in the desert,
rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose,
the people I made especially for myself,
a people custom-made to praise me.


25"But I, yes I, am the one
who takes care of your sins—that's what I do.
I don't keep a list of your sins. "

-Isaiah 43. 14-21 & 25

Yes and Amen!

Genesis 19.30-38

" 30 Afterward Lot left Zoar because he was afraid of the people there, and he went to live in a cave in the mountains with his two daughters. 31 One day the older daughter said to her sister, “There are no men left anywhere in this entire area, so we can’t get married like everyone else. And our father will soon be too old to have children. 32 Come, let’s get him drunk with wine, and then we will have sex with him. That way we will preserve our family line through our father.”
33 So that night they got him drunk with wine, and the older daughter went in and had intercourse with her father. He was unaware of her lying down or getting up again.
34 The next morning the older daughter said to her younger sister, “I had sex with our father last night. Let’s get him drunk with wine again tonight, and you go in and have sex with him. That way we will preserve our family line through our father.” 35 So that night they got him drunk with wine again, and the younger daughter went in and had intercourse with him. As before, he was unaware of her lying down or getting up again.
36 As a result, both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their own father. 37 When the older daughter gave birth to a son, she named him Moab. He became the ancestor of the nation now known as the Moabites. 38 When the younger daughter gave birth to a son, she named him Ben-ammi. He became the ancestor of the nation now known as the Ammonites." -Genesis 19. 30-38


Okay. Ew. Gross.

But I can't be so quick to judge. You must hear the heart of this passage:

These women were feeling in despair. I'm sure they were feeling depression. They ended up living in a cave with their father out of their own fear. Fear feeds fear. They began to worry that there was no future for them. They feared not getting married so much that they took their fate into their own hands...

Um... need I say more?

This is exactly what I did. Sure I didn't get my DAD drunk and sleep with him, but amidst my random nights with random guys, those always fell between the numerous month-long relationships with the guys I saw just enough potential to have a future with. It almost became a puzzle for me. A Rubik's cube. You try to put all the colored sides together, and it's going great for a while until you see a single green cube on the yellow wall. Well crap. Now I gotta go back and rearrange everything, dismantle it and try again. That was the relationships I was in, in a nutshell. Everything seemed to be perfect (my yellow wall), he was handsome, he had money, he was a skydiver, he loved to travel, he was completely enamoured with me. And then there was that green cube... He didn't love Jesus. Not only that, but as strongly as I believed in Jesus is how strongly he believed God didn't exist.

Or, He was handsome, he was funny, he was always fun to be around, he loved me, he would never do anything to hurt me. But the green cube? He was completely immature in the worst of ways... he was three years younger than me so I felt as if I'd asked for it.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. I was constantly trying to put this Rubik's cube together in my life.

But God has shown me so much about this:

He's shown me Matthew 6.33. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I spent so much time creating a habit out of trying to worry or care what other people thought of me, and not worrying what God thought of me. Ultimately, which is more important? Think about it. Seriously.

Which is why I've decided to go on a dating fast. THAT'S RIGHT- this girl that used to always need someone by her side is choosing... FOR SIX MONTHS... to do nothing but seek the face of the Lord. I will be getting my approval from HIM. I will not be going out on dates, I will not be talking to any males for the purpose of building friendships... The Lord has shown me that I need to start rebuilding my relationships with other women, my friendships with the other women of the church.

Lord,
I ask for your holy spirit during these six months. I don't feel like I'd be RUNNING towards a man anymore, but I do believe that I'm not above temptation. I ask for your guidance. I ask that you reveal yourself to me in a new way during this time. I ask that you give me new revelations of what I mean to you. I want you to romance me, Jesus. I want to be YOUR lover. I want to be YOUR heart. My heart is yours.

I ask that you prepare me to teach my testimony as cell group tonight. Give me the words to use, I pray that hearts are open to receive, that ears are open to listen, spiritual eyes are open to see the change not only in myself, but that it's possible for them. I pray that someone new is at cell group tonight. And while I'm on the topic, Lord I forgive my friend for not showing an interest in me, I forgive her for her story constantly changing. I recognize that it isn't her that doesn't want to be at cell group, it's the spirit inside of her that goes against God. I know it because I used to have it. Strongly. And you say in your word, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."- Ephesians 6.12 And I don't doubt it for a second. I don't take offense at her. I take offense with the enemy and all it does is make me want to fight harder for her. I thank you that you've given me my fight back. My spiritual fight. I love you, Lord and I thank you in advance for the victory. Holy Spirit be with me today.

Amen.

My Testimony (part two)

I always wanted to wait until I was 21 to start drinking. I did pretty well for the most part. It was a couple weeks before my 21st birthday that I had my first drunken experience. It was new, fresh, different, but above all, it made me forget about all the problems I was going through. I had a history of alcoholism in my family line so I was just destined for failure since I went into it blindly. I began to enjoy drinking more and more, and finally, more than I enjoyed actually living sober. One drunken night led to another. Drinking gave me courage I didn't normally have. Little did I care that it was impairing my better judgment. I can't count how many times I'd had a drunken night, binging with friends, only to end up back at my apartment with a guy. Someone I knew from high school, someone I'd only spoken to a couple times, someone I'd just met... it didn't matter. I wasn't in the right state of mind to care who I went home with. I was on a road to destruction.

Then one night changed my life... I brought home an old friend from high school. We were both drunk. Things started getting intimate. We had sex. He didn't bother putting on a condom. He was too drunk to realize this was what he NEEDED to do... I was too drunk to care... A few days later, I noticed it started to hurt when I would urinate. I figured I probably had some sort of yeast infection. It would go away. I was sure of it. It didn't. It got worse. It got to the point where I would either bite down on my hand or bite down on a wet washcloth to muffle my screams. I didn't want to wake up my roommate. It felt like a flame was being held to my genitals. It was making me physically sick. My muscles were stiff, I felt tired all the time. I knew something was seriously wrong. I dreaded drinking anything other than beer because drinking meant I would have to later urinate, and at least beer numbed me enough that I wouldn't feel the pain as bad when I actually had to urinate. I noticed sores were starting to show up. I did my research.

Before too long, it was blatantly obvious... I had received Genital Herpes. This guy, who I cared nothing about, had just given me an STV (sexually transmitted virus). According to the world's views, this is a virus that is incurable. Let me say that again... There is supposedly no cure for Genital Herpes. But I believe in a God that heals physical ailments. But those who don't know God, don't know that that is even possible. I didn't believe at the time. I sunk into a deeper depression. What little bit of hope I had for my life had diminished. I went to a clinic to get it tested, but I was so infected they couldn't even take a sample from me, but the doctor unofficially told me that was what I had acquired.

Realizing I had it, changed my life forever. It was a process. It began with hating myself. Hating the guy. Hating life. I had no reason to live anymore. I'd already destroyed myself to the point of thinking no one would ever want to be with me again. I was tarnished. I was a disgrace. I was in shame. I only told my best friend, who just so happened to be my roommate, out of necessity. She knew something was going on, she could hear me crying my eyes out, screaming every time I'd go to the bathroom. Other than that, I didn't want ANYONE to know... what a shameful thing, right? It took a long time (a year, to be exact) until I was able to turn my life back around, see it for what it REALLY was... an obstacle to overcome. One drunken night. My, what a night can change...

I had told my leader about it prior to going on the encounter and she insisted that I begin to pray daily for this, if I wanted to see physical healing. So every time I would go to the bathroom, I would rest my hand at the base of my spine and say a prayer. Every. Time. I went to the bathroom. One of my expectations for this Encounter, and probably the biggest aside from restoration back to God, was to be physically healed of this shameful thing I'd acquired! And I wasn't sure if the healing would actually happen or not, but I prayed faithfully, I was hopeful that it would be gone, but I still had that small fear. "Yes, but you deserve what you got! So what if he decides NOT to take it from you?" I would think to myself. What a load of crap!

Then one night at cell group, we were watching a clip of "The Passion of the Christ" and (as I've mentioned before in a past blog entry) it was the point where whoever he was came up to Jesus on the Cross and began to taunt him saying, "YOU claim you can destroy the temple and rebuild it in THREE DAYS?!"

And that's when God spoke to me. He told me, "You know, Des... The Encounter is three days... Your body is a temple... I'm going to destroy your temple and rebuild it." I was so excited to have heard this! Why? Because it was clear as day what it meant. No worry or fear to try and dance around it and try to "make it mean something else" just so I could get confused and inevitably not accept it. It was clear as day. I told my leader. She got chills. She was now in agreement with me.

SO... On the Encounter, I can't really tell you a specific point when I was completely healed of it, I feel as if God was taking it from me from the moment I was praying every time I went to the bathroom. But for the first time in the history of NWCs Encounters (and I had NO IDEA of this until I'd gotten there)... they had a physical healing line. ANYONE who had ANYTHING physically that needed to be healed, these powerful women in Christ would pray over us and we would be delivered of our physical ailments. HALLELUJAH!!! THAT... isn't coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason! God knew how much shame I'd had from receiving this disease, HE knew how badly I wanted it gone...

In faith, I'm going to save up some money so I can go and get my official test done, just for the doctors to say to me "What are you doing here? You don't have any disease." I believe it. Absolutely. Without a single doubt.

Thank you Lord, for your powerful healing hand. Thank you for removing my shame COMPLETELY from me to where I can be so bold as to even talk about this. YOU know what a huge feat that is for me because YOU know EXACTLY what I was going through. I thank you that you never left my side. Not once. Even when I felt so alone, you were right there just waiting for me to turn around and run back to you. You're so so wonderful, Jesus! I'm so in love with you.

There's still more to my testimony, people! So hang in there for the next part. But as of now, I gotta go get to working with Tracey! (Good thing I'm already over here >.< Cut down on drive time.)

Luke 15.11-22

"11To illustrate the point further, Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. 12 The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons.
13 “A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. 14 About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. 15 He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. 16 The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything.
17 “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! 18 I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, 19 and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’
20 “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. 21 His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’
22 “But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. 23 And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, 24 for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began." -Luke 15.11-22

In all actuality... nothing else really needs to be said. Read the passage. That was me. Absolutely.

I used to hate hearing about the Prodigal Son story. I'd screw up here and there and come back to Jesus and suddenly I'd be just like "The Prodigal Son! The Prodigal Son!" I didn't even know the full weight of it until this time.

I was away for nearly two years. It's as if before I left I had asked God for his inheritance for me (aka, still attending the church, receiving prayer, giving worship, etc etc) and after receiving it, I took it and ran with it. I spent away all God had given me (not to mention physical money as well!) on a "wild lifestyle". Thank the LORD, I still haven't touched a single drug a day in my life, but the things that I did get into weren't any better. Sex sex sex. Drinking drinking drinking. Lying lying lying. Depression depression depression. Loneliness loneliness loneliness. Need I go on and on and on?

I finally reached the physical point where I had literally waisted away my cash, my networks, my body... (Ill get into THAT one in the post that will follow)

But I was NEVER too far away from God. Just like the Prodigal Son, when he returned, his father was already planning a party for him when he merely saw him walking in the distance. For all the father knew, he could have just been returning for more money. But it didn't matter to the father. Just to see him anyway(and I also believe that the father's spirit knew why he was returning but that's besides the point).

That's what it's like with God. He wanted me back with a burning passion and he could hardly stand it from excitement when he saw me coming back from the distance. But this weekend I had my party with the Lord. And I expect many many more after!

Lord Jesus,
Be with me today! I'm so so in love with you, I can hardly stand it. I thank you for welcoming me back with open arms. That no matter what I'd done, I was never too far away to come running back. You never cease to amaze me. Keep me close to your heart ALWAYS! And I name today VICTORIOUS! xoxoxxo

amen.